I Made My Friends Sync to My Cycle So I’m The Alpha

As if having girlfriends wasn’t stressful enough on its own (ugh, just dump Kyle already, Tara! JEEZ!!!), there’s also the added unspoken power struggle of which girl’s period will be the one to which the others sync. As all women know, the friend with the most consistent period timing is the alpha, and holds the power of the entire friend group. That’s why I made sure to make my cycle boss.



To keep my close-knit group of gal pals sorted into proper beta-through-zeta roles, I utilize a subtle but effective string of socially conditioning actions and comments. For instance, if one of my friends reveals she is on her period while I am not, I subtly tell her she will have to find some way to induce a period next week when the rest of us start mine… I mean, ours. That is why Rachel is my beta and Carrie is just a gamma. Some people just ‘get it’ and others just suck at ‘getting it.’


“You better turn that period into an ellipses,” I scream at my friends who start their otherwise healthy, regular cycles too early. They take the abuse, and still lovingly refer to me as their “best friend,” knowing their invitation to my girls’ trip to Turks and Caicos is on the line. What can I say? I’m on Beyaz, my cycle is a perfect 28, and I’m not fucking around. This pussy runs a tight ship.



Obviously, I’m always wary when new women enter our circle. When my gamma friend Claudia invited her sister-in-law to our coffee and gab meet-up last week, I was understandably pissed. Not only because all of us were in the thick of our menstruation cycles, but also because I knew that in order to keep my alpha role, I would have to either assimilate her or destroy her. Imagine my relief when she asked to borrow a tampon while we chugged our caramel lattes. Looks like I’ve got a new zeta friend! Sorry Christine; you’re down to eta.


When it comes to my group of girls, one thing is for certain: It’s blood over water. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rub NuvaRings all over my friend Dara, who is three days late. Not on my watch, Dara!