I spent this past spring trying out new aesthetics, hoping to find a new look that truly represents the inner me. I’ve donned cowboy boots, bolo ties, platform shoes – you name it – in an attempt to rebrand. Then, I found a clothing item that stopped me dead in my tracks: the perfect pair of loose, beige cargo pants. I’ve been wearing them every single day since, but lately something weird has been happening: all my friends are sending me Father’s Day cards.
What? When did I become a dad?
The cards are really sweet, but I don’t understand why they all think I’m their dad. Sure, on a few occasions, I’ve blacked out at home and awoken to find myself wandering the aisles of the nearest hardware store, asking anyone in earshot if they’ve seen an Allen wrench. Sure, I can’t pass by a car without tapping on the headlights and inspecting the paint job. And yes, I find myself taking a keen interest in hockey, but these are just symptoms of an unexplained medical condition – not fatherhood!
People have been treating me differently since I’ve started wearing these cargo pants that are 80% pockets. Men look at me with knowing glances and offer me fist bumps; women ask me “where my kids go to school.” As soon as my close friends started handing me hand-drawn Father’s Day cards thanking me for “always being there for them,” “teaching them how to toss a pigskin,” and “always having some loose change in one of my 15 pockets,” I knew things had gone too far.
I’m not ready to be a parent! Wait, have I been one this whole time?
I would take off the cargo pants to put a stop to all this madness, but they look so damn good. And to top it off, my pockets hold more than I ever could have imagined, and my upper thighs have never felt this breezy.
Am I supposed to give that all up just so my friends stop calling me “the dad who stepped up?”
I’ve since decided that if I’m not going to take off my cargo pants, the only thing left to do is lean into my new role. If everyone was going to treat me like a dad, I’d be the best dad they’d ever seen. I taught all my friends how to properly file their 1099-T’s, reminded them to get set up for credit cards with high cash back rewards, and taught each of them how to repair the garage door sensor.
I’ll say it – cargo shorts and fatherhood look equally good on me!
