I move through this life trying to perceive myself as little as possible. I like to think I walk amongst others as an indistinguishable nobody, and this idea brings me peace. But today, I saw something that shook my sense of self so completely that I fear I may never recover. I was sitting in a coffee shop when I noticed a mirror beside me, and in that mirror, I observed my own posture.
Help! How am I supposed to continue living this wretched life now that I’ve seen the way my spine curves, presumably on a daily basis?
I’ve never taken pains to correct my posture because I assumed it couldn’t be that bad. Sure, I was no ballerina gliding around on air, but I also figured I wouldn’t be described as “a hunchback of Notre Dame-esque figure lurking around the castle waiting for my life to begin.” How wrong I was.
My body looked like one of those models of what a human being would have to look like to survive a car crash. I was 80% hunch, 20% neck bulge, and even straightening my back upon glimpsing this horrifying image didn’t really help. I fear I’ve been hunching for so long that I’m physically incapable of correcting my posture now, and any attempt just made me look even more unnatural.
I thought the best course of action would be to move away from the mirror, but as I did so, I couldn’t help but notice my posture in the window reflection. I had been awoken from my blissful ignorance, and there was no going back. Like Neo in the Matrix, I basically just lost my shit.
In my desperation to raise my confidence, I asked the friend I’d come to the shop with to describe me in three kind words. She said, “Slumped, hunched, and weighed down.” I didn’t chastise her for technically using four words because I was too busy crying.
I contacted my doctor to see if I could wear one of the spine correctors they give to kids showing symptoms of scoliosis, but she refused to give me one because they were reserving them for kids with scoliosis. That bitch!
I did the only thing there was left to do: commit to lying down for the rest of my life. My posture will never again be perceived because I will be horizontal for the rest of time. Rejoice!
