I’ve spent the better part of my professional career dealing with imposter syndrome and the endless questions that come with it: Am I bad at my job? Am I unfairly doubting my abilities? Do my coworkers see through this facade of competence I’ve spent years building? However, once I discovered that the answers to these questions were, “Kind of,” “You have an accurate understanding of your abilities,” and “Your coworkers see you as mildly incompetent already,” I realized that my so-called “impostor syndrome” was actually just a healthy dose of humility.
Umm, what the fuck?
I wasn’t feeling like a “fraud” or a “phony” because I was unable to accept my successes at face value – no, it was because I actually was fraudulent sometimes, just like any other regular person who is occasionally bad at their job.
The realization hit me hard. My fear that I didn’t deserve my promotion to manager last year wasn’t impostor syndrome at all, it was just a valid recognition of my lackluster management skills.
Once I came to this correct measurement of my own abilities, my world came crashing down.
How was I supposed to accept this as the truth? I don’t have impostor syndrome? I just am an average worker with a reasonable and grounded understanding of their capabilities and achievements? That couldn’t be right.
So, when I forgot to send a few emails last week and I thought, “Wow, I’m really letting some things fall through the cracks today,” that wasn’t impostor syndrome clouding my view of reality, but rather an accurate assessment of my performance and an honest acknowledgement that I don’t always have everything together? I’m just a human who makes mistakes and is sometimes good at my job and sometimes bad? I’m doing the best I can and that doesn’t mean I’m perfect or exceptional but also not a complete waste of space?
Fuck nuance and having a complex understanding of the world in which we live!
But, wait, what about when I made a few typos in an email a few days ago and thought, “Soon, everyone in this office is going to find out that you don’t know any words and have just been faking it for years”? Is that impostor syndrome? It is, right? Because I actually do know words.
While I’m still working to distinguish what is impostor syndrome and what isn’t, I am willing to take it in stride, accept myself for who I am, and try to embrace my – wait, what was the word? Humility? Right, I knew that! I know words!!!
