From “Traffic today is insane” to “Our current Congress is incompetent,” there’s no shortage of complaints that can perfectly jump start some dead air. I’ve found there is one small talk conversation-starter, however, that rises above the chaff. The easiest way to kick a dud of a conversation into high gear is to admit that I – a tragic figure – did not dress properly for the weather. But this morning, I did dress perfectly for the weather – not too warm or too cool – and now I have nothing to fucking complain about.
How am I supposed to commiserate with my fellow man if I dressed perfectly for the weather? Why have I been cursed with a discerning eye and a penchant for layering?
When I got to the coffee shop to order my usual, my barista made perfect small talk, as always. She started strong with, “It’s a chilly one, huh?” but instead of being able to say, “Yeah! Wish I’d checked the weather before I left the house in my shacket,” I looked down and realized in horror that I had worn my big jacket, perfect for the occasion. I was forced to just say, “Haha, yeah!” which is basically social suicide.
I bet she’ll never make light-hearted chit chat with me again, and I’ll deserve it.
When I thought things couldn’t get worse, a cool new coworker joined the office today, and of course she remembered to dress incorrectly for the weather.
“I was practically freezing on my way to work,” she said to me with a laugh, perfectly recognizing the hidden fabric of small talk that holds our society together.
“Haha, no way! I was warm,” I responded. Idiot! Imbecile! I had antagonized her on her first day, had positioned us as enemies rather than two comrades joined in the fight against being a little too cold or a little too hot. Of course, the conversation died as soon as it began, and on my break, I walked in on her tonguing my other coworker in our multiple-stall bathroom. God! That should be me! If only I’d had something fun to complain about, like how I was too cold on my way here, then instantly too hot upon arrival.
I ended the day resigned to never dress properly again. Brilliantly, I arrived at work the next day in a bikini despite the 32-degree weather. This turned out to be an equal and opposite mistake, as everyone found it off-putting and weird. Curses!
