When I woke up this morning, I was struck by divine inspiration. “Today will be different,” I said aloud, “I will not simply work from my bedroom, where I also sleep and cry—no, today I will go to a coffee shop to work, and as a result, my life will be good.”
As I approached the glorious glass doors of my local haunt, I felt satisfied that nothing bad would ever happen to me again. I even screamed that out loud, which took some people by surprise, but surely they understood the effect a good coffee shop could have.
But just then, things shifted dramatically: I arrived at the coffee shop, and realized that now I have to do work.
Turns out bad things still happen to good people, even when those good people are lazing at super chill cafés with great vibes.
I am saddened and shocked by this news, and there’s no saying if I will ever come to terms with it. Turns out when you say you’re “going to go work at a coffee shop,” you actually have to work at that coffee shop. If only I had known, my life would have been so different.
I’ve tried distracting myself by talking to other people, but it seems everyone around me is working, too. We’re living a waking nightmare, and I am trapped in its jaws.
I’m doing my best to remain optimistic, but I fear that I’ll soon run out of tweets to scroll and TikToks to watch on mute and be forced to actually do my job. I never thought my life would turn out like this, and frankly, I blame the coffee shop industrial complex. Popular films like Elf and Sudden Impact made coffee shops seem like places of fun and games, not places people go to “enact key initiatives” and “touch base” on the “status” of “projects.”
In a last-ditch effort to postpone working, I tried to have a meet-cute with the man to my left. I dropped my coffee all over his lap, but instead of chuckling and complimenting my gorgeous eyes, he just said, “OH GOD HOT!! IT’S SO HOT OW MY LEGS MY LEGS MY LEGGGSS! OW OW OW!” This has been devastating to me personally.
Unfortunately, it seems I’m left with no choice but to do the work that I said I would do. While it saddens me, I will–Oop! The shop’s closing. Yay, time to walk home!
