After years of lackluster brunches, tired movie dates, and one unbelievably draining trip to Hershey Park, I am finally ready to come clean about how I really feel. My friends may be shocked, but I’m finally ready to be honest: Hanging with my friends is nice, sure. But it’s always a guaranteed romp when I’m playing with my pubes.
As a woman in her late 20s, I want to relax and have fun in a way that my friends can’t completely offer me. When I’m with them, plans are always loose. Meetup times are way too flexible and someone always ends up inviting “a coworker from the LA office.” With my pubes, I don’t have to worry about nonchalant hangouts and annoying plus-ones. My pubes are available all the time, wherever, whenever. In bed in the morning, on the couch in the afternoon, after a shower at night. My pubes are so dependable and that’s why I’m satisfied with twirling them for hours.
It means the world that my pubes are literally always there for me. When I graduated middle school, my pubes were there. When I graduated high school, my pubes were there. When I graduated college, my pubes weren’t there, but they were definitely there when I started reading Virginia Woolf postgrad. They’re my rock when I’m feeling happy, sad, or falling asleep to Chopped.
I’m not saying I don’t like my friends! But my pubes have never said anything bad about my on-again, off- again boyfriend or chastised me for throwing up in three separate Ubers in one night. Sometimes I feel like I have to be a different person around my friends, but with my hand resting on my coarse, jagged pubes, I can just be my lazy self.
The bottom line is I love my girls! Getting a manicure with my girls is fun, but there’s always room for error if someone wants a chair massage. My pubes and I are on the same page. We know nothing rivals laying in bed with your shoulders scrunched up to your ears, hands down your ancient underwear, petting your furred mons pubis like it’s an old Border Terrier.
To all the women out there, I want you to know I think female friendship is special and important. But if you’re looking for an unbreakable bond that requires little to no effort, just reach down and stroke your long pubes.
