I Ate A Spoonful of Bee Pollen, And Now I’m a God

Sure, I always wanted to eat well. I’m just like any other modern woman—at least I used to be. Then, I ate a spoonful of raw bee pollen. Now I’m a god.


In my mortal days I tried to reach peak health by messing around with green leafy vegetables and whole grains. I exercised. I lived by rules like “not eating past 8 PM.” Ha ha ha, those seem like a joke now. Those efforts were fine, for someone who can’t control the weather. I looked good for a 32-year-old American woman (people often thought I was 28), but I was still a flesh-and-blood human being; one that would eventually decompose and die, just like everyone else.


Then I heard whispers of something that might promise the secret to getting my abs to the next level: bee pollen. Eating it was said to fight wrinkles, give you more energy, help with reproductive issues, and more alluring lady-health benefits. It seemed like a weird idea, eating clumps of flower pollen mixed with the regurgitated enzymes of live bees, but if eating it would make my skin softer and my intestinal lining more supple, I was willing to try it.


I went to my local health food store (Hi, Rainbow!) and bought myself a jar. It cost $58 for just a few grams, which seemed promising! Surely something could only be this expensive if it truly had mystical powers. I happily wrote a check for $500 (I also picked up some organic apples) and went on my way.


Back at home, I examined my manna. The mustard-colored powder shone in its tiny jar. It was lumpy, like cat litter made of unrefined gold. Strange… but I wanted to have improved energy and softer skin… so I took a spoonful of powder, and heave, ho, down it goes.



Immediately I felt a pulse emanating from the kibble sliding down my throat. It was heat, life, the thrumming of the universe—a power I had never felt before. The feeling spread through me, from the top of my head to the tip of my fingers—the magical power of bees. I grew stronger, smarter, slimmer (goodbye, last five pounds!), and I no longer had to live on the mortal coil with all the other fleshbag human beings. I could fly with the bee gods.


Once my biological cells were replaced by eternal cells, I gained the knowledge of what happens after we die. Or after other people die, because I would now live forever. Also, I no longer had allergies. Wow—worth it!


When the transformation was complete, I looked down at myself. I was made of light. I could see that I had a family, but I was aware of the smallness of them in the grander energy scope. I abandoned them, and flew to the top of a mountain, where I now live with the other bee-gods in bee-Valhalla. Goodbye humans, and your petty worries. The pollen and I are one—we are forever. We are bees.


Buzz buzz.