I Am Going to Fuck Someone On This Haunted History Tour

Look. I didn’t come down to Savannah, Georgia just to have a fun touristy ghost adventure. I also came down here to get plugged.


Maybe that’s weird, but I won’t apologize for making my vacation the best it can be. I worked hard for my vacation days, why shouldn’t I spend them exactly how I want to? Why shouldn’t I combine my love of spooky half-true history with my quest for a no-strings-attached Southern hookup?


Mark my words: Someone on this haunted history tour WILL fuck me.


If you’re wondering, I happen to be actually interested in ghosts and the relationship between folklore and our country’s history. But you know what else I’m into? Sex. My heart is ready to jump at the sound of the wind slamming a door in this old mansion just as much as my vag is ready for some vacation D.



Come on, you ghost-loving boys. One of you has to be into it. I’m at least an 8 normally, but I’m close to a 10 on a ghost tour. It’s dark out here and a lot of these fanny-packed women are here with their husbands, who keep asking obnoxious show-offy questions. I’m the obvious choice for a tavern-bathroom hookup. So which one of these Grouponers is gonna be my strange?


Is anyone really even listening to our Igor-looking tour guide talk about how literally everything in this city is haunted? I mean, I’m into it, but I’m keeping my eyes peeled for more than just ghosts tonight. I have my eyes on the frat bros enjoying Savannah’s open container laws and I’m hoping that intoxication might lead them to try on a woman ten years their senior.


Pretend this is like a real-life horror movie, guys. Protect me from the haunts! I’m scared! Put your arm around me and prepare to ride me to screamtown tonight. God, get your face out of that brochure—it’s almost like everyone here is actually interested in learning about ghosts haunting this colonial graveyard. It’s a graveyard. It’s lousy with ghosts. Get over it.



What couple goes on a ghost tour on their honeymoon that isn’t just looking for a threesome? What other reason would you have to go on a haunted history tour as newlyweds?! I’ve been flashing them “I’m DTF” eyes for the last 60 minutes of this 90-minute tour, but they are just not getting the message. I think they think those are my “scared of ghosts” eyes. They’re not.


Fuck it. I’ll just fuck the tour guide. I don’t even care anymore that he’s wearing a top hat and a cape over a Tommy Bahama shirt tucked into jean shorts. I’m game for that. Come to mama. Mama has a 401K, a bikini wax, and will eagerly play along with any ghost-based sexy scenario you can dream up. EVERYONE ON THIS GHOST TOUR SHOULD WANT TO FUCK ME. GODDAMNIT WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!


Whoa. Who is this tall, pale, and handsome gentleman who just joined the tour? By the looks of his overcoat and pocket watch, he seems wealthy and…oh…he just went through a wall. Jesus Christ—is he a ghost? Honestly, at this point I would totally fuck a ghost. I’m beautiful and alive. Come get some, ghosts!