Hundreds of Derek Jeter’s Ex-Girlfriends Gather to Celebrate His Dating Career

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In light of Derek Jeter’s upcoming retirement, hundreds of actresses and models gathered in several VIP suites at Yankee Stadium yesterday for a celebration of the legendary shortstop’s 20 years of unparalleled dating.


The festivities got underway with Mariah Carey taking to the podium for a commencement address delivered to the tune of the National Anthem. “Some people just change the game,” sang Carey, while delving into the details of how she hid her affair with Jeter from then-husband Tommy Mottola. “No one can touch that legacy.” She added jokingly, “Hey can someone tell him I’m almost divorced?”


Other big names were on hand to celebrate Jeter’s record-breaking dating history. “Television personality” Vanessa Lachey (née Minnillo) was on hand to unveil a plaque commemorating the iconic player’s Perfect Game of 1999, the nail-biting night he made out with Jordana Brewster in the lobby of Tenjune while on a date with Tyra Banks. “Legends aren’t born, they’re made.”


Also in attendance was Minka Kelly, best known from when television cameras kept showing her in the luxury box that week in 2009 when Jeter was attempting to break Lou Gehrig’s all-time Yankee hit record. Kelly and Jeter dated for three years. When asked her favorite Jeter on-the-field moment, Kelly cited “That week in 2009 when television cameras kept showing me in the luxury box.”


Jessicas Alba and Biel took to the field for the retirement of Jeter’s number: 4,869,703. All in attendance were silent as a box of Lifestyles Fun Bumps Condoms emblazoned with the total sum of his sex partners was raised behind the left field foul pole. “No one else will wear that number,” said Biel. “I mean, you see it and you just think, ‘Oh, that’s Jeter’s number.’”



Ironically, most attendees did not appear to know much about Jeter’s baseball legacy at all. In describing the pinstripe contribution he’ll be best remembered for, supermodel and 2006 Jeter fling Adriana Lima answered, “Derek looked good in suits. Great suits. Suits, suits.”


Many expressed confusion when Cameron Diaz attempted to enter the event. Diaz never went out with Jeter but rather dated his Yankee teammate and decent dater Alex Rodriguez. Diaz explained through a bullhorn that she picked the wrong Yankee. “I wish I had dated Derek Jeter,” she said. “Who doesn’t?” replied event MC and former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.


Although Jeter never showed, he did send along a gift bag full of autographed memorabilia.