These days, every 14-year-old is making passive income, every finance bro is also a part-time model, and every model is an ordained minister. So how do you relax without falling behind? Amid all this chaos, here’s how to watch a single episode of television without worrying you’re wasting your entire life away.
Turn off your phone.
It’s hard to enjoy TV when your phone is telling you a dozen teens just released debut singles that they “never could have expected to blow up this fast.” but try to put your phone away and be present. Be grounded here, watching Matt Bomer make yet another Burn Notice (we haven’t seen the show). The downside of this method is it prohibits you from checking social media while watching television, which is another of life’s greatest pleasures, but we all must make sacrifices.
Watch TV with friends.
Watching a new show in the company of friends is a great way to distract yourself from the fact that if you’d taken the $13 a month you spend on Netflix and invested it into Bitcoin, you’d be Mark Zuckerberg by now, even though those things are unrelated! Throw some popcorn in the microwave, kick up your feet, and don’t even think about how you could be using this time to start a small business, which is famously very easy and has only ever led to financial success.
Pick a show about a new, engaging topic.
Show choice is key. Choose correctly and you can learn something while also watching television, and isn’t that what all of this is ab—WAIT NO. You don’t need to multitask to feel like you’re using this time wisely. Don’t use this time wisely! Watch something ridiculous like The Real Housewives of Orange County or House Hunters or the S&P 500 ticker. Wait, we did it again.
Do not watch Masterchef Jr.
If you want to avoid feeling like a failure, DO NOT watch Masterchef Jr. It’ll raise plenty of unhelpful questions, like “what were you doing at 13, and why hadn’t you perfected a light Coq au Vin with sea foam yet?” Don’t watch any of the “Jr.” shows: Project Runway Jr, Dancing with the Stars Jr, Succession Jr. Children shouldn’t be allowed to achieve things, and if you don’t witness it, who’s to say they did?
Follow these quick and easy steps and you’ll be watching a single episode of television without feeling like a disappointment in no time. Now get cozy and enjoy some senseless entertainment! Oh, and if you watch more than one episode, congrats! You just threw your life away, idiot.
