Having to care for a tiny human can be pretty scary, especially if you’re not sure what to expect, but it’s nowhere near as scary as little tiny bugs crawling around on the floor and onto your arms and legs. Little bugs are unpredictable, creepy, and probably trying to crawl all inside you while you’re sleeping. Here’s how to find the right breast pump to begin your adventure as a new mom and also pick up little bugs and keep them in a tiny little prison.
Pick Your Pump
Before you start, ask yourself: What kind of breast pump is right for me? Manual? Battery-powered? Electric? More importantly, ask yourself: What kind of little bug am I aiming to eradicate from this earth? Ants? Spiders? Cockroaches? How scary are these tiny bugs? What are they capable of? Why would a just God bestow life upon these creatures? You’ll want to pick a breast shield that will fit the little bugs in question.
Disassemble the Pump to Suit Your Needs
First, remove the inner valve and membrane from the pump. These pieces, though essential in preventing breast milk from flowing back up into the pump mechanism, will prevent little bugs from successfully being shot into their eternal confinement, which is largely your goal.
Find Little Bugs
Great. Now you’re ready to pick up some little bugs and trap them inside. With your creepy little demon located AND your milk extractor in hand, press the breast shield atop the little bug’s resting area, creating a firm seal that traps it in a vacuum of horror.
Take Pleasure in Your Success
Congratulations! The hard part is over. From within the vacuum of horror, the little bug stands little to no chance at attacking you, crawling underneath your skin, or hatching eggs inside your brain.
Empty Your Little-Bug Captive into the Toilet
Now it’s time to shoot it into its grave. Stand carefully over a toilet and skyrocket the little bug up the flange to its proper resting place in an eternal watery prison. By design, the plastic milk receptacle is transparent, which affords the luxury of constant surveillance. Remain vigilant and dispose of the little bug as soon as possible. Little bugs are crafty, and will attempt an escape. They are not to be trusted.
There are varying schools of thought on whether or not to display the baby bottle receptacle in a centrally visible location in your home for all other little bugs to see and fear. Do so if you please. You are the alpha mom/bug!
