Is it football season? Basketball season? Golf? How can we ever be sure? We cannot, but our menses happen to be perfectly attuned to the changing of the seasons of Mother Nature, allowing us the precious chance to become one with our men, who remain fully engaged in these “sports”. Here is how to use clues from nature to figure out why your man is yelling about one kind of ball instead of a different kind of ball this week:
A Cooling of the Air
As the summer leaves turn from fresh greens to the warm tones of Autumn, you can be sure that football season is upon you. Use words like “quarterback” and “huddle” to keep him engaged in conversation and loving you in this cycle.
The males of our species have created a trick second football spelled “futbol” to throw us off the scent. It’s nearly impossible to differentiate these games as both of their seasons when the sun turns away. But there is one difference: Your male only recently got into futbol and still doesn’t know what parts of the sport to yell about yet. He’ll be impressed when you show him which parts he’s supposed to complain about, proving you know more than just the phases of Mother Moon!
It is winter. It is dark. You wouldn’t dream of being outside, but he is. This means that surely it’s the dreaded NFL playoffs. Listen to the muffled screams of angry fans in the distance. They sound like the calls of beasts in the wild because that’s exactly what they are. None are safe. Hide until the ides of March, when a similar emotional madness will possess the body of your male. Just call every player “the next Lebron” while you search for snowdrops. He’ll love that.
The Fourth Year
The gentle sun is perched over a distant branch. Take a whiff of the northern-facing mosses. Have four summers passed since the last coming of the gods? Then the summer Olympics have returned! You’ll be thrilled to watch gymnastics until he turns the channel to cheer for something really awful like people riding bikes. Remember, sports are about you making sacrifices so your man can learn about his emotions. When he’s especially engaged, duck out for a walk to the sea, so that your body might adjust to the tides.
As your ovaries begin to quiver with the urges of motherhood, doom falls upon the athletic sphere around you. This is when the tragic slow sports begin. Golf. If he is into the slow death of golf, you may consider finding another mating partner. And if he enjoys baseball, which is just scrunched-up golf, it is certainly time for you to move onward, perhaps to a field, which is the only good thing about baseball.
We hope this guide a safe and positive partnership with the world of “sport”, and particularly the days of the Earth’s calendar upon which each is played. Then, once you know, you can go back to the woods, where you belong.