We all love to spoon and be spooned. But sometimes you eat a Ben and Jerry’s Karamel Sutra Core pint for dinner and are filled with gas at the same time that your lover is cupping you with his toned body! You desperately need to break wind, but he’s holding you too firmly to run to your designated fart corner. But is he ready? If you’re not sure if he can handle you farting into his spoon, test him with these tricks:
See if he minds when you go to the bathroom.
This is a great way to see if he cares about you having bodily functions and submitting to the need to release them. If he laughs and says things like, “Okay, weirdo!” as you’re leaving to use the toilet, he might not be ready. But if he says “yep” or even just a silent shrug, those are his ways of furiously assenting to you having and needing to expel things from the bottom of your body! He might just be ready for you to fart into his trusting lap.
Try moving your thighs on his leather sofa.
We all know that if you move any part of your skin on a leather sofa, you make a noise like a fart. See if he reacts to your thigh noises by gently sliding from side to side on his “man cave” Pottery Barn sofa. If he says, “Are you serious right now?!” with a terrified and shocked look on his face, he might not be ready. But if he is supportively reactionless, that’s a pretty good sign he’s ready to be your direct fart target!
Test the waters by making fart noises with your mouth.
As you lie together trying to drift off to sleep, make a loud “THBTHTBTBHBBBB” noise with your mouth. If he says, “What was that?!” and slams the light switch, he’s probably not so accepting of your romantic flatulence. But if he smiles and pulls you closer, congrats! He seems prepared for you to pass gas into his cup area.
Warm your butt up a lot as you enter the spoon.
Not sure if your man can withstand the furnace of your lactose intolerance gas? Place one hand on each cheek and vigorously rub your butt until your cheeks are good and warm. Then enter his spoon! If he’s not turned off by your burning-hot butt, he might just be ready for you to give a good fiery butt-breath into his yoo-hoo.
If you’re already spooned in, and getting up to go to your fart corner might ruin the perfect mood, try taking this potentially deal-breaking step and let ‘er rip right onto his cozy spoon. Here is true intimacy—two people connected by a sigh! Or he just broke up with you and fled. Either way, girlfriend, at least you know he’s not “the One” for you to fart on forever!