At some point, every adult woman wants to let loose and feel young again. For some, that means a girls’ night with your college friends; for others, it means seducing the legal teen next door. No shame! But what the fuck do I talk to him about? Fortunately, 19-year-old boys are highly visual creatures. If he merely sees you holding a skateboard (something he likes) while looking hot (something else he likes), he’ll probably want to put his dick in you. Here are four simple, sexy ways to be the chill skater girl you never were when you were as a teenager, and get the steamy, 12-minute, groove-getting-back romp of your dreams.
1. With One Hand, Leaning The Skateboard Against Your Leg
Talk about chill! This suggestive pose says, “Yeah, I skateboard—so what?” The leg lean is a perfect place to start when you just need to fuck someone who doesn’t remember 9/11. Hang out on your stoop for hours until Anthony (Chase? Tyler? Whatever his name is) rolls up to his building. Throw him a casual, “Hey, sick ollie back there.” Don’t worry about what it means, just say it. You’ll remind him of all the hot skateboarding chicks in his video games, and he’ll be drooling over your every word. He’ll be so distracted by your air of sexual expertise, he’ll forget all about that pass/fail class he’s failing.
2. Resting On Top Of Your Shoulders, Wrists Hanging Over The Board
This is where your seduction starts to get nasty. Not only does this look out-chill pose #1, it also heavily emphasizes your wrists. Wrists remind 19-year-old boys of hand jobs, a thing they still like. Strike up a casual conversation about Bernie Sanders—he’ll take the bait, since he’s so excited to vote for the first time! Delicately dangle your wrists over the skateboard and say, “It’s time for a political revolution, that’s clear.” He’ll get off his young, fatless buttocks and skate straight to your condo.
3. With Both Hands, Pressing Horizontally Against Your Butt
A skateboard touching a butt? What could possibly more erotic to a legal teen than that? Reserve this pose for when you and Anthony/Chase/Tyler are alone together! It’s the X-Games equivalent of saying, “I would like to see your D and I would like to see it NOW.” Casually rub the skateboard against your butt as he looks at your one Le Creuset and says, “Oh, haha, my mom has a whole bunch of those.” Sweet!
4. Vertically, Against Your Torso, Hugging The Skateboard With Both Arms
He’ll be wishing he were a skateboard when you whip this position out. (He usually wishes he were a skateboard, anyway, so this is like shooting fish in a barrel.) Don’t break eye contact with him as you say, “Wheels? Yeah, I got four of ‘em. Attached to a board. Right in my arms.” You’ll have him skating right into the bedroom, and NOT into your heart. That’s not what this is about! His sheer enthusiasm to be in the vicinity of a vagina will surely make up for his utter lack of skill when navigating your half-pipe.
We all need a taste of youth every once in a while. Why go to Six Flags when you can seduce a dumb dude who’s simply excited to be touched? Go get ‘em!
