How To Talk About Finances Without Dying

So you’re getting older and you’re finally making a decent paycheck. That’s cool and all, but suddenly everyone is throwing around terms like “401(k)” and “junk bonds” and “savings account,” and it’s starting to make you feel like it’s time for you to die. Here’s how to participate in your own financial future without just straight-up dying.


Don’t die. Google information instead.

When someone asks you about an “actively managed mutual fund,” don’t die. Come right to the precipice of death and then excuse yourself to the bathroom where you can frantically Google what the fuck you’re supposed to be talking about. Information is power, so just read through a couple slideshows about growth rates and management fees and try to keep breathing. If that doesn’t work, Google how to write up a will and just drown yourself in the sink.



Think of your children.

Just because you’re new to the idea that money requires basic planning and management doesn’t mean you can’t learn without dying! So if someone mentions something about “corporate bonds” in your presence and you feel your soul say, “See ya!”, just think of your children and try not to go and die. If you don’t have kids, think of someone else’s kids, and see if that works. Some dude may know that corporate bonds are risky investments with high interest rates, but that doesn’t mean you should just cease to live. Think of some kids and just continue to be alive. You can do this.


Say, “Uh huh, yep!”

Like a shark that must keep moving, you just need to keep the words coming out of your mouth so your heart doesn’t stop when someone brings up “putting student loans on a credit card”. A hearty “Uh huh, yep!” shows that you’re interested in this financial conversation that’s happening, and more importantly, that you’re still alive because deadies don’t speak! Throw back your head and let out a big panicked laugh that says “Yep, I’m alive!” and before you know it, you’ll have technically talked about finances and not died. Good!


Take a big ol’ vacay!

Bitch, you deserve a vacay! You can’t die if you’ve got a dope vacay on the horizon. Because if you dead, you can’t go on a vacay. VACAY FOR YOUR LIFE! Power through that finances conversation with confidence and gusto and then walk straight to your computer and book a round-trip ticket to the paradise of your choice. Later, when you’re sipping alcohol out of a coconut, you will think to yourself, “Wow, I talked about finances and I am alive. Good for me!” Do not check your finances for awhile and you will continue to not die.


Finances can be intimidating, but you don’t have to die about it! Just use these handy tips and soon you’ll be breathing and talking—just like a person who isn’t dead!