How To Start Drinking More Water By Staking Your Whole Self-Worth On It

Drinking more water would be great for your health. But unfortunately, you’re only motivated by instant gratification and fear. So here’s how to get yourself to drink more water by creating an intense fear of failure as you stake your entire identity and self-worth on the act of getting in your 64 ounces.


Buy Fancy New Water Gear

Purchasing the trendiest water bottle you can find will add a lot of extra pressure to your goals. If you spend $44 on a metal water canister, you’ll really be kicking yourself extra when you forget it on your way out the door. Get one with that fancy cucumber slice holder and everyone will be looking to you as the one true water queen role model!


Make a Very Public Plan to Drink More Water

Start an online challenge with friends to drink as much water as you can! Tell your whole office about your goal to drink two Nalgenes a day. The more people are aware of your goals, the more they’ll be waiting for you to fail since this is impossible to maintain, and the more you’ll be afraid of them being a witness to your failure. You can do this!


Journal Daily About Your Water Consumption

It’s important to reflect on how well you’re doing with your water goals, and to constantly see it as a reflection of your self worth. Journaling allows you to tap into those vulnerable emotions and ask yourself why you are struggling with this so much? What it is about you specifically that makes drinking water so hard that you need to do this?



Write “Drink” on a Piece of Tape and Tape it to Your Faucet

Apparently the privilege of clean running water wasn’t enough to motivate your lazy ass. Maybe this guilt-inducing reminder will.


It’s really brave that you’re trying to drink more water to the detriment of your own self-perception. Hopefully you don’t fuck it up?