How To Snap a Sexy Selfie Without Stopping to Eat Sheet Cake with Your Hands

Your new man-friend wants to exchange racy pics while he’s traveling, and you are more than happy to oblige. But how do you snap that perfect boudoir shot that shows your fun, sexy side without stopping after five minutes to eat sheet cake with your hands, completely ruining your lingerie? Here’s a hint: It all starts with the right attitude, and it also involves just a teeny tiny bit of self-control. Here’s how!

 

Eat a piece of sheet cake before your shoot.

The single best way to take a sexy selfie without stopping to eat sheet cake with your hands is to have some before you even start. Don’t be a barbarian–cut a sensible portion from the cake and put it on a real plate. Now eat it slowly with a fork while thinking about exactly how you are going to pose and also wondering exactly when it would be respectable to eat another piece of sheet cake. That wasn’t too hard, was it?

 

Pick out some sexy underwear.

Now that you’ve dampened your sheet cake craving, it’s time to get dressed! Leave a little to the imagination–but not much! Select some skimpy skivvies that flatter your shape and show off your best assets. Also be sure to pick the dark brown bra and panty set you have that will surely hide any accidental smears of chocolate icing.

 

No. No cake yet.

Stop looking wistfully into the kitchen. At least try taking one or two pictures before returning to the sheet cake.

 

Know your best angles.

Angling your face slightly to the left or right can add intrigue and sexiness to your shots, while placing a pillow under your lower back or bottom can make you look slimmer and sleeker. Oh no, is the sheet cake in the shot? Eat a quick bite and then shove it more than one arm’s length away from you. You can do this!

 

Get creative.

Okay, you can’t focus with that cake in close proximity. Maybe try taking a sexy picture of you seductively licking icing off your fingers? Half the cake is gone now, and your teeth have crumbs in them but you did get to eat some more icing, so it’s really a win.

 

You haven’t earned the sheet cake yet. Keep shooting. You’ll surely get a good pic soon.

In all honestly, you should have made your cousin take that sheet cake home with her instead of leaving it on the kitchen counter after the barbeque this weekend. Or you should have taken initiative for once and just thrown it away. Because you always end up eating it with your hands over the sink and you know that about yourself. God, you look so sad in these pictures. Sad because you want to be eating sheet cake.

 

Filter the shit out of it.

Whatever, you’re done taking pics. Whatever you already have is fine, just use a filter. A subtle filter can add just a little magic to your picture while minimizing blemishes and problem areas. Use four or five filters on top of each other to disguise your distended stomach full of sheet cake.

 

Now you are ready to send off your picture and eat a piece of sheet cake as a reward—that is, if there’s any left! Dig in, because where else are you going to find joy?

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