How to Set Off Metal Detectors to Get Attention

Life can be lonely sometimes. If you don’t have anybody to talk to about your day, why not force authority figures to interact with you by setting off metal detectors in important public places? Depending on the urgency of your need for human contact, we have some tips on the strategic placement of metal to purely manipulate forced communication between you and another human being.


1. Get Some T & A from the TSA
Sometimes we need more than just face time – we need peoples’ faces within inches of our bodies. Feel free to hold on to your TSA employee and gently caress her while she removes the contraband item from your person. A screwdriver in your carry-on is a classic move, but it goes by too quickly – and with minimal body patting! Instead, suspiciously stuff your bra with snow globes. While they might not contain the metal to set off the detectors, they most definitely contain more than the 3.4oz allowed on an airplane and therefore require a serious talk behind closed doors. One-on-one face time with another human being who is being paid to converse with you? Can’t get better than that!

While you’ve got security personnel on high alert, feel free to get other things off your chest besides the snow globes. Discuss your feelings of despair, anger towards the captivity of zoo animals and the lack of diversity of said captive zoo animals. This agent is legally forced to answer you, since you shoved your bra full of water-filled glass balls.


2. Bawl to a Mall Cop
Mall cops are the most bored of all the cops, so why not spice up their day with a little “you” time? Aluminum foil never killed anyone, as least not super quickly, so buy a pack of gum, take all of the aluminum wrappers and pop ‘em like pills. Since the metal is in your body, the attention will last twice as long, because the mall cop will have no idea how to make the machines stop beeping at every storefront. The wrappers will pass through your system eventually, but before they do, those little pieces of metal will have a public swarm of uniformed men handling your body like children handling a Tickle Me Elmo circa 1996.



3. Attention Everyone in Forever 21!
To get the attention of security, staff, shopping patrons and anyone happening to walk by the front doors, get a handful of tagged items and jog back and forth across the entrance, while still remaining in the store. Someone will eventually ask you to stop, but until then you’re not doing anything wrong – just getting the attention of a boatload of people! This moment is your soapbox. Once all eyes on are on you, dance like everyone is watching. Cause they are, and so are the security cameras.


4. Metal Morse Code
Best Buy will be on the highest alert when their security system goes off every few seconds because you are throwing rows of staples past the sensor. When they go to check the sensors, stroll over from your hiding place behind the cardboard Xbox display and give your two cents about why these silly things keep going off and off and off. Make sure to put those staples back in your purse before this discussion or it might be over before it begins.


5. Beeps for Life
To ensure wanted attention from every uniformed guard in America, the best option is to replace your skeletal structure with adamantium – you know, like Wolervine! While excruciatingly painful and only performed by geeky psychopaths, you will set off every metal detector within a ten-mile radius! You’ll also get the bonus effect of constant beeping attention for all of eternity! What more could a lonely girl ask for?!


If it has been a while since you’ve had human contact, prepare several questions or topics to discuss during your societal detainment. Keep the physical list on your person, as most of your belongings will be confiscated. As a backup, keep the list written out in Sharpie on your palm. Start with plenty of eye contact and pleasantries before delving into the childhood issues that you’ve buried into the depths of your soul.