How to Save Money by Eliminating All Sources of Joy From Your Life

As we all know due to Protestantism, the best thing you can do with wealth is acquire it. Whether you’re saving up for a rainy day, a big down payment, or just to get out of debt, we all need to be spending less! So start pinching pennies with these three tips that will effectively save you money by eliminating any remaining source of joy from your life.


Deny yourself small pleasures.

The first and most important step is to deny yourself all the simple little pleasures that make this life (which you did not choose) feel worth living! So say no to that Sunday ritual of grabbing a delicious latte and pastry and sitting in the park. You can still sit in a park without a latte and a croissant, right bitch?! That’s what you’ll be telling yourself after you suck all the joy out of this activity. Buy yourself nothing that is not essential to your survival. Not even an Arizona iced tea tallboy. Every cent counts!


Say no to new experiences.

When saving money, you are going to live by the following words: say no! Is there an awesome exhibit at your local museum that you’re dying to see? Look at some images on the museum website! A buzzy new movie that all your friends are planning to watch together in theaters? Out of your budget! A birthday dinner at your favorite restaurant? Fat fucking chance! And don’t even think about travel. You can see the world when you’re dead! Or actually, sorry, no you can’t. You can’t see it ever.



Sell all your belongings, but not in an enlightened way.

Selling all your belongings and ridding yourself from the chains of materialism can be enlightening and liberating, but not the way you’re gonna do it. Hock all your shit — family heirloom jewelry, books, plants, the mushrooms you were gonna do with your partner who you had to break up with because they always wanted to go places and buy things — then sit in your empty chamber, devoid of love for life but also devoid of temptation to spend your precious dollars. At least your skin looks great because you de facto quit drinking :) but you can’t see it because you sold your mirror :(


Follow these steps and you’ll be the most frugal bitch in town! You’ll be so glad you did once you are able to comfortably retire, unless the water wars have started so you don’t get to retire because you have to fight in the water wars. Good luck!