As a woman in our judgemental society, it can be tough to remain confident. It’s easy to feel ugly when you see a makeup ad, or feel fat when you see a runway show. But it hurts the most when you realize your name is not one of the names listed in Lou Bega’s 1999 megahit Mambo No. 5. After all, it is a late-nineties anthem, and if your name wasn’t mentioned in that bumpin’ chorus, well, who even are you? But don’t worry! Here are a few ways to respect yourself even if you’re not a Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, or a Jessica!
Realize No One is Named Monica
The first step is to be honest with yourself: have you ever met a Monica? No, I mean have you really ever met a Monica? Exactly. You haven’t. That’s because no one is named Monica. Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, and Jessica, they all exist, sure. But Monica? Come on. Talk about unrealistic standards for women!
Listen to Songs About Other Ladies
The Mambo No. 5 isn’t the only song about objectifying women, it just happens to be the best one. But don’t worry, because there’s a chance your self-worth can boil down to another song. Bruce Springsteen’s “Candy’s Room”, The Police’s “Roxanne”, and Kenny Rogers’ “Ruby” are just a few examples songs named after ladies, maybe even you! And the best part about not being in the Mambo No. 5 is that you don’t have to share your objectification with six other women!
Just Say “Stacy’s Mom” Was About You Instead
If you can’t find a song with your name in it, don’t worry! Fountains of Wayne’s 2003 hit “Stacy’s Mom” can be about anyone. If you’re not named Stacy, and you don’t have a kid named Stacy, get a gold fish, name it Stacy, and watch your self-worth reach a fever pitch. Now you have your own song and you’re a bonafide MILF with a way less-sexy goldfish daughter!
Wait for the Mambo No. 6
It took Lou Bega five tries to perfect his Mambo, so just think of all the names he went through in that amount of time. So when he makes his sequel Mambo, which he inevitably will, there’s a good chance he’ll list some other basic ass names, and that’s where you will come into play!
Follow these steps and your sad ass is bound to get some self-esteem, even though your name wasn’t listed in the greatest song of our generation. You’ll have Lou Bega wishing he had a little bit of you in no time!