How to Stay Vigilant In Trump’s America While Also Keeping Your Baby Hairs Tamed

We must all remain vigilant and retain our grip on reality while living under an increasingly autocratic rule. But it can be difficult to tell what’s normal and what’s not when your baby hairs have always been pretty fucked up. Ugh, how did they get so wispy? Here’s a special guide on how to stay alert during Trump’s presidency while also keeping those flyaways tamed.


Take Trump seriously, and also your hair care.

The rhetoric of our president matters, so take what Trump says seriously and also your hair care. Don’t believe for a second that whatever planet-threatening statement he just made on national television is a “joke.” Also seriously, spritz your forehead with a mist bottle every morning because your baby hairs look bad and smoothing them down all the time will get in the way of holding Trump accountable for instituting a Muslim ban, then refusing to call it a ban. Spritz your hair more! Spritzing is your friend, but our president is an enemy of the state. These two things are not unrelated.


Fact-check everything, and also comb your hair with a toothbrush.

Even though it may get exhausting, fact-check everything, and also comb your hair with a toothbrush. The bristles will get all those annoying, tiny hairs out of sight so you can finally focus on confirming that yes, most of what our coked-up car salesman of a president says is false. Anyway, continue combing your hairline until it stops looking so crazy. Only then will you truly be able to see the abnormalities of this administration for what they are: Reality-bending lies, even more hopelessly untamable than the halo of broken hair around your crying face.


Defend the people Trump threatens, and also stop using hair ties.

Hatred has become normalized now that Trump has taken office, so defend the people he threatens and also stop using hair ties. Pulling your hair back into a super-tight ponytail breaks it. Don’t lose sight of that fact! Or the fact that Trump’s presidency endangers immigrants, black people, Muslims, women, the elderly, the LGBTQ community, children, the disabled, and basically everyone except your white second-cousin Ricky who owns a shooting range in Florida. Also, don’t be afraid to use your hair ties as a weapon instead. See if you can launch one straight into Mike Pence’s open mouth (he breathes through his mouth). Being vigilant doesn’t need to get in the way of your beauty routine.



Support journalists, and also consider shaving your head.

A free press is the most powerful weapon against autocracy, so support journalists and also consider shaving your head. Without your weird baby hair, you’re free to spend all your time supporting essential publications like The New York Times and The Washington Post, which changed its slogan to “Democracy Dies in Darkness” because it’s not screwing around and neither should you anymore. Just cut all your hair off. It will help!


Follow this guide to remaining vigilant against Trump’s autocracy and also taming your baby hairs, and you might see results. We can’t promise anything, though, because control is an illusion!