It’s one of those days when you’re minding your business at work having your morning café au lait while flirting with Jim from marketing, and then all of a sudden the flood gates open and the super deluxe you got in there straight-up surrenders. It’s an upside down volcano in there, and the bathroom is nowhere close enough for Mount St Flo. Would a modern woman run home in shame while holding her bag in front of her crotch? No. No she would not. This is your chance to make a statement! Here’s how to own that righteous lady stain and turn your period accident into a period protest. Because we will not be shamed.
Acknowledge the stain.
Jim from marketing has potentially noticed your accident, so you’ll need to be quick on your feet. Casually say, “Excuse me Jim, what are you looking at? Do you have a problem with women’s bodies?” Shut down! Or maybe it happens while you’re at the gym, doing push-ups. You’ll need to point out that women can work out while perioding. “That’s right, they’re called modified push-ups! And I can do them even while bleeding! What now, society?” What now, indeed!
Make a sign.
It’s time to get creative! Fetch a piece of foamcore board and some markers. If at work, use the biggest paper your office has, probably legal size. This is a wonderful opportunity to stand up for your beliefs and also ask for a raise with a sign that says, “On my period, second day, I demand equal pay!” If you’re drunk at a bar, you might not have access to poster board, but you do have easy access to toplessness. Take off your shirt and yell something like, “Do these look like pieces of meat for you to sexualize?” Or, “None of you patriarchy supporters will be going home with me tonight! Because I’m on my period!”
Do something crazy!
It’s time to escalate the situation. Maybe you’re at a family Christmas dinner when your balloon pops all over the new ottoman. Don’t panic! Instead, stab your brother with a fork, cause him to bleed, and say, “Does THIS gross you out, family? Then why is it any different when it comes out of my PUSSSS?” Remember to really lean on that “puss” for maximum impact. Or maybe you’re on public transit when disaster strikes down there. Simply grab the nearest baby and assume breastfeeding position. You’ll get some resistance, but that’s exactly the point! Let the people know that no woman should be shamed for public breastfeeding, public bleeding, or public breastfeeding while public bleeding, even if it’s not their baby.
Don’t think of period accidents as burdens; think of them as opportunities to make a statement, cause a scene, and advance your rights! Bleed on, bleedy girl! But next time, try to change that pad often.