How to Play It Cool Even Though You’ve Imagined Being on a First-Name Basis With His Dick

Dating is a subtle game of psychological cat-and-mouse. It can be hard to be lowkey with your crush when you’ve already chosen the perfect name for his dick. Here’s how you can play it as cool as a cucumber, even though you’ve already named his in your imaginary future together!


Pretend you’re barely aware he exists – even if you’ve already named his dick “Adir” (Hebrew for ‘Mighty One’).

Okay, so you’ve literally browsed baby names by meaning, searching for a name that perfectly captures the essence of the dick you imagine he has, and narrowed down the options to Adir (Hebrew origin, meaning “Mighty One”), Einar (Scandinavian origin, meaning “Brave in Battle”), and Amaury (French origin, meaning “work power”). But remember, dating is all about playing it cool! So try waiting an hour or two before you text him back.



Don’t tell him that you – and your group chat – regularly wonder about Adir’s well-being.

Obviously, this is a difficult step, because in your head, you and your crush’s dick are already best buddies, and you even have multiple variations of dick-nicknames ready to go. You’ve imagined your crush telling you how much Adir misses you. Your whole group chat participates in a regular open forum on what Adir is probably like. At this point, you’ve mentally personified his dick as a human being, with fully fleshed-out personality traits, likes, dislikes, needs, aspirations, and higher-order beliefs about the world. But no matter what, DO NOT tell him about any of this, but if you really just can’t help but tell him, at least don’t mention the group chat. It’s a bit of a violation.


When he asks, “Sorry, what was your name again?” just look meaningfully at his penis, and say, “Ask Adir. He can tell you all about me and Natalia.”

Okay, fine, so he needed a quick refresher on your name. Not the end of the world! This is actually a golden opportunity to hit two birds with one stone – your crush can learn what your first name is, and you have a smooth lead-in to just skip to the chase and get both your genitals acquainted as well. Congrats, lovebirds!


So remember: lean back, take a deep breath, and be casual! Even if you’ve imagined being on an intimate first-name basis with your crush’s penis, with these tips, he and Adir will both think you’re super chill. Good luck!