How to Pay for a Group Dinner When Everyone’s Too Stupid For Math
The restaurant says they don’t do separate checks, and oops – nobody at your table knows how to do math! Sure, you used to do calculus in high school, but now you can’t even figure out how to calculate a tip, even with a calculator. How do you pay for dinner? Follow these key rules, so the only thing you’ll be embarrassed about is how you pronounced, “Cabernet Sauvignon.”
Make everyone order the exact same thing.
Make it simple before things get complicated and scary. Everyone must order the exact same thing, even if that means your vegetarian friend has meat and your lactose intolerant friend has cheese and your sober friend has two Manhattans. Now you can just hand the waiter seven credit cards and hope no one starts crying. Easy!
Politely threaten the waiter to do it for you.
This will only work if you’ve developed a strong rapport with the waiter throughout the course of the meal. When the waiter brings the check, simply explain that they have to figure out who pays what or else he will not be paid. Hold up the candle to prove you’re serious.
Stand up at your seat and announce, “I’m pretty good at math. Who else in this restaurant is good at math?” This may feel weird or shameless, but it’s acceptable to do because people who are good at math love bragging about it. After you shout your message, some goober nerdface will likely rush over to your table and split your check effortlessly. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you can’t make a dork do your homework!
The person with the nicest jewelry leaves diamond ring as payment.
Which one of you is richest? This is usually easy to figure out because rich people love to show off (especially the ones who can’t do math). Instead of having everyone put down their poor people money (aka “cash”) for the exact price of their own food plus tax and tip, simply let the wealthiest person in your friend group cover the bill by leaving some expensive jewelry behind. It’s probably enough to get your group a few more dinners, depending on carat weight and clarity. Knowing for sure might involve more math, though.
Start washing dishes.
Collect the plates from your table, and from any surrounding tables. Go to the kitchen and wash them. You have cleaned up after yourself. You can exit without paying because you earned it. Sure, you have enough money to cover your portion, but the thought of multiplying anything by 0.2 would ruin the whole night more than being elbow-deep in commercial dishwater. How do you divide tax by 5?
Never leave the restaurant.
No one cares that you don’t know math because you all live in the boiler room now. You guys are too fun down there! Welcome home. Everybody loves you.
No matter how you slice it, food rules and math totally sucks. Good luck getting out of there in one piece!