Every makeup maven is looking for that elusive look—eyes that really pop! But we a have a beauty secret you won’t believe—you can get attention-grabbing eyes without going under the knife, or even stepping into a Sephora. All you need is a computer, wi-fi, a third-grade reading level, and a heart full of hate. It’s as easy as scrolling through YouTube comments. Let’s get started!
Tip #1: Don’t neglect your brows!
Find a YouTube beauty tutorial on how to shape the perfect brow. Then, don’t watch it. Instead, read a few of the comments and see what horrible people online say about the sweet young vlogger without knowing anything about her. Don’t skim. Read at least the first 100 comments. From the subtle, “I hope u die,” to the downright untrue, “I wudn’t let her suck my dick with someone elses mouth,” to the totally creepy, “I’m gonna abort ur first kid so they can never grow up to make dumb vids like u!!!” Your brows will be sure to arch up in disbelief, framing your eyes for a polished date night look. You’ll be saying, “Wow, people are terrible,” while your brows just say, “Wow!”
Tip #2: Learn to SMIZE (shocked expression with your eyes)!
Search for cute cat videos on YouTube and pick the first one that pops up. Any homemade video of someone filming their pet feline will do. Then read through the comments until you find one that’s so mean, you can’t understand how someone could have that much vitriol for any living thing, especially a kitten in a tiny top hat. Now that you found that comment, keep going. Here’s: “This is why we should have stronger immigration restrictions.” We don’t think that person is even referring to the video, but they sure have a strong opinion on outsiders. Try not to let your anger show and instead channel it through to your eyes and try to smile through them to counteract the negativity. Brilliant. Your eyes are popping already!
Tip #3: Master the slow, sexy blink.
Find any video that you’ve posted on YouTube in the past five years and give those comments another read. See? Where did that hateful little beast comment come from? And how does Wolfman6969 know what town you live in? Why did you get a hate comment from the YouTube account of a yoga studio in Illinois? Are you crying yet? Good. Let your eyes well up, but don’t let the tears fall. Instead, blink slow and sexy, making sure the tears stay put and sparkle. Now you’re adding some drama to those eyes!
There you have it: three tips to make your eyes pop without a drop of makeup. But before you hit the town with your sexy new eyes, make sure to visit your local police precinct to file a restraining order against Wolfman6969.
