How to Make Sure Your Psychic Tells You What You Want to Hear

Tarot Cards - Reductress

In the world of psychics, there are lots of fakes. But you don’t need your aura cleansed, or a curse removed, or to know how many babies you’re going to have: You just need an older Romani woman to hold your hand and say everything’s going to be okay. However, many psychics actually believe they have psychic powers and will legitimately try to offer you advice, which you also do not want to hear. Here are some tips for pushing your psychic towards a nice, upbeat reading.


Act like you have your shit together. When calling to book your appointment, your background noise lays the groundwork for a flattering and positive reading. If your psychic believes you live a problem-free life, she’s more likely to tell you that you do. Put on classical music and a party scene from Pride and Prejudice. Your psychic will assume those are your real-life British friends and that you lead a life of upper-class ease. Ask them to wait for a moment while you “refill your Perrier” and “walk Henry to the door.” By the time the phone call ends, they’ll be brainstorming more affluent and carefree predictions for your future.


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Make them like you. When you first walk into the studio, ingratiate yourself to the psychic so they’ll like you and use their psychic powers (AKA “lies”) to give you a good future. Be sure to compliment their crystals and sculptures of hands. Make a comment about their fairy posters (note: Do not make that comment, “Why do you have so many fairy posters?”). When the psychic sees what a pleasant person you are, they’ll be more likely to envision pleasant things happening to you in the future. And when you ask about that thing with your mom, they’ll definitely take your side.

Dress for the future you want predicted. In their hearts, psychics want you to succeed, so try dropping little hints to encourage them. “Accidentally” wear your ring from Forever 21 on your “I’m engaged” finger. Suddenly, they see a wedding in your future. Better call Mom! Ask them if you’ll reach financial stability, then oops! Your locket pops open and there’s a picture of you kissing Donald Trump. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, you should be expecting a sudden cash flow very soon. Worried people don’t like you? Casually start a hot group text on your phone to interrupt your reading while you’re there.


These are just a few ways you can ensure your psychic tells it like it is (supposed to be). Above all, remember: you have to go in with an open mind for it to work, and about $200.