In the weeks, months or years leading up to your special day, you’re going to need to get serious with your bridal party. Even with the most casual weddings, every bride needs to let her rage out on her maid of honor every now and then. How do you make sure that none of these ladies leak your emails, voice mails, or blood-soaked, handwritten notes to the media? You have to weed out the snitches.
Ask them to inflict pain on themselves and see who squeals first.
First thing’s first: Send out an email like this.
“To My Lovely Bridesmaids,
Congratulations! I’m so happy to let you know you will all be a huge part of [insert fiance’s name here, probably Gabe]‘s and my special day. Me and my MOH will be sending you emails in the near future to coordinate pre-wedding festivities. To get the ball rolling, I’d like each of you to carve my future monogram into your forearm, and then send a picture as proof.”
This is a win-win situation: They either cut your initials into their arms, which would be great, or, they whine and you cut them out of the wedding party. They weren’t your real friends anyway.
Does she punk out on your night out?
Fast forward to your bachelorette party — another great opportunity to sniff out snitches. Plan a fun Magic Mike night at a male strip club. But don’t tell the girls that — tell them you are all going to steal money from a church late at night. Whoever doesn’t show is definitely a little bitch and probably a snitch.
Showering with a Rat
The wedding shower is a special time for you and your bridesmaids to connect. Gifts will range from thoughtful household items for your new married life to sexy underthings for your wedding night. Still worried about one of your maids? After you thank her for the gift she got you, ask her if instead you can have something she treasures (like the locket her mom gave her before she died.) Did she give it to you? Great! Now say you’re gonna melt it down to make a toe ring to wear on your honeymoon. Then we will see where she stands.
These Piggies don’t Squeal
Hopefully after these tests you’ll have at least one girl left who is submissive bridesmaid material. Now you can have the wedding you’ve always dreamed of! Sit back, relax, and have your remaining bridesmaid (probably Kelsey) take care of the rest of the hard wedding-related tasks. From picking people up at the airport, to stenciling your silhouette onto 300 mason jars, to straight-up paying for your wedding, you can count on her not to snitch. But if she does: Blllaaaaat Blllaaattt.
And she’s definitely not going to be a bridesmaid in your next wedding.
