How To Lose Weight While Still Refusing to Drink Water

It’s easy to gain weight as we head into the holidays, but that’s no reason to go on a dangerous crash diet! Losing weight can be easy with a few simple lifestyle changes. Although none of them will be drinking water, because that is something you simply refuse to do.


Incorporate Modest Exercise into Your Life

You’d be surprised at how simple changes to your daily routine can help melt the pounds away! Try taking the stairs instead of the elevator, walking on your lunch break instead of eating at your desk, or putting on some music in the morning to dance! Adding an extra glass of water to your routine would be helpful too, but somehow that is even harder than doing even five minutes of modest exercise a day. So even if the exercise makes you thirsty, don’t give in – just guzzle some iced coffee or diet soda like we know you will!


Cook Meals at Home

Takeout and delivery can be quick and easy, especially after a long day, but nutritionists estimate that you may be eating up to 40% more calories when you eat restaurant food than when you cook at home. Cooking yourself means that you know what’s in your food and helps to control portions – all without having to drink a glass of that shitty well-juice. It doesn’t even taste like anything! What a stupid drink.


Keep a Food Journal

Writing down what you eat can make you more aware of what you’re eating and help you make healthier choices. Use the journal to set meaningful goals – like trying to eat at least five servings of vegetables a day and incorporate protein into every meal. A lot of nutritionists would advise that you try to drink at least 1.5 liters of water a day, but you can just cross that line out.


Join a Community Sports Team

Sports can be a fun way to get active and meet people – great for your mental health and losing weight! Part of the fun is after the games and practices when everyone stands around – and WATCH OUT! Donna just handed you a plastic cup of full of water. Nice try, Donna, but H2-NO THANKS! Just dump that stuff out in a bush or something.


Drink Coffee and Tea

Studies show that caffeine can boost your metabolism by 3-11%; so drinking a moderate amount of coffee and or tea can help give you that boost to help you lose those last few pounds! We really didn’t even need to tell you about this one because this is probably one of the things you’re already drinking, as you are definitely not drinking water.


Try a Low-Carb or Paleo Diet

WATER, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE! You shall not trespass upon my personage – I am master of my domain, and I banish thee! WATER, BE GONE!



Get a Full 8 Hours of Sleep



Getting healthy can be as easy as getting a little more exercise, being more aware of what you eat, and never, EVER letting that terribly, boring pond-squeezings that they call “water” into your body.