How To Look So Good at This Party That Your Ex Cries Tears of Blood

You’re getting ready for a party and you want to look foyn. That is, until you find out that your ex is going to be there. Now, your only objective is for him to see you and immediately leak human blood straight out of his face. Here are a few easy tips to make sure the sight of you not only ruins his night but also his eyes, forever.


Spend at least two hours deciding.

Somehow the more you panic about what to wear, the hotter you get. And the harder it gets for him to keep his eyes open without them spewing the juice of life in every direction. Once he spots your smokin’ hot post-breakup bod, he will begin silently weeping vital fluids in a corner of your mutual friend’s living room. You win, he loses, and all is finally right with the world—but not in his eye sockets!


Wear that dress he always liked.

You might be tempted to add a surprise element to your ensemble to jazz it up a little, but if he liked that dress before, he’ll like it now. Toss it on and don’t worry about anything else. As soon as he gets a glimpse of you, blood will spew from the top of his skull like fire in a cartoon, except more real and more satisfying. As you watch his head turn into a beautiful unholy fountain, go ahead and bask in your victory.



Try less clothing.

Whatever you’ve chosen to wear, wear less of it. You want that ex to regret each and every moment of his life that’s led him to this moment. An inch less of hemline means that when he looks at you, he will no longer be able to accept the reality of his life. His full-on mental break is your “getting back out there”! So dodge his eye blood and hit that dance floor!


Stand next to a man.

It doesn’t even have to be a man you know. Proximity to another male makes you look so blazing hot, your ex will probably forget who he is. He will run screaming into the streets, drooling ferociously and wailing for help. All because your sweet, sweet figure was sent to DESTROY HIM.


No clothes at all!

He will die. He will simply die. And you would never wish that on anyone, but you’re not not wishing it.


So next time you think about having to see your ex, don’t panic. Try these simple moves to take him from, “I just broke up with her,” to “WHY IS MY FACE FALLING OFF?! I SHOULD’VE TREATED HER BETTER AND I KNOW THAT NOW! MY EYYYEEESSSS!!!! MY WEEPING, BLEEDING EYYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSS!” You go, single lady!