HELP! My Boss Texted Me Right as I Got Devastatingly High

With all this time spent working remotely, it’s not unusual for me to pop an edible around five and wait for it to kick in around the end of the workday. But I forgot to have lunch today and my boss just texted me with something urgent and…can somebody help me? I’m devastatingly high and she’s asking for something involving an Excel sheet.


Does anybody know how to read a pivot table if you’ve low-key forgotten your name and who you are?


Anyway, this work/life balance thing can always be a challenge when you thought you were taking 5mg but you accidentally took 50mg and your boss is texting you again like “????” and you’re frozen in place, unable to respond, and not sure if any of these texts are actually real. Could someone stop by and translate these for me, or tell me if these are a figment of my imagination??


Also, if anyone could let me know if I’m actually in the process of dying or if that’s just a weed thing, please let me know immediately.


If anyone could just give me a little career advice here, I’m wondering if maybe I should just like…tell her? Like, would she understand? We’ve all had a tough year and I’m sure I’m not the only one who has accidentally taken a heroic dose at five on a Monday and is now convinced she is floating in the fog of oblivion for what seems like an eternity.


By the way, does anyone know how to turn off the Slack notifications going off in my head? I am melting.


So, no pressure or anything, but if anyone can help me out of this before I spend the rest of eternity in this hellscape of my own creation, let me know! And that if you really think about it, we’re all kind of living and dead all at once if time is flat and it’s just our perception that’s limited, but then again, I need an entire pizza or I will die.


Also, tell my boss I’m sorry I’m late for work tomorrow!