While there are a lot of shades of gray in this world, there’s one thing we all know to be true: Hugging is awful. And any time you leave your bed, you put yourself at risk of an unexpected hug. Sure, the closeness and connection is nice, but no hug ever turns out as you expected. Luckily, there are a few things you can do to keep that lukewarm goodbye from spiraling into an uncomfortable, boob-grazing nightmare.
Don’t have boobs.
Boobs are the Achilles heel of any hug. Everything could be going smoothly until a boob gets accidentally grazed. Do you ignore it? Do you laugh it off? Even worse, if both parties possess boobs, there is almost no avoiding disaster. Four boobs smashed up against each other is not the sexy, exciting act that porn makes it out to be. It’s just soft and awful.
Always be standing.
We know it’s hard to stand, but a sit-down hug can be even worse. Having to hug people when you’re sitting and they’re standing produces an awkward angle, making your life practically unlivable. Avoid that horror by remaining in an upright and rigid position whenever you’re near friends or acquaintances. This way, you will at least be on an even playing field with your hug bud, unless they’re way shorter than you. If so, that’s a lose-lose situation. Abort immediately!
Commit and never look back.
Make a firm choice up top and see it through. Take no consideration of what the other person is doing, close your eyes, and go in for the kill. Even if you end up hitting them, expressing confidence means they can’t blame you if something goes wrong. And if there’s hugging involved, something will always go wrong. A lack of hesitation will keep that hug from becoming something you talk about in therapy.
Do NOT kiss them.
Sometimes you see a hug coming, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You panic and turn your head into their head, because the terror is compromising your motor skills. This moment is crucial: Do not kiss their cheek out of fear! You will certainly miss and kiss half of their nose and be forced to spend the rest of your day replaying it in your head. Come on — you’re not French. And for god’s sake don’t say anything into their ear. It’s upsettingly intimate and the results are sure to be catastrophic.
Resist a tight squeeze.
During a hug, no body part is ever in the right place, so avoid sticking anything further into anything else by applying a loose pressure to the embrace. Light embraces can be equally creepy, but at least the hug mate has some space to run away, if needed.
Do nothing.
Abstinence is the only guarantee.
Nothing can eliminate your suffering completely, but if you absolutely must engage in this archaic ritual, take a deep breath and use these pointers. You’ll get out of it alive and with less feelings of “HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN THEIR HEAD EXCEPT ME??”
