You’ve done it. The hot couple you’ve been flirting with all night has invited you into their bed as their “third” for a night of sexperimentation. But upon exiting the cab ride that took way longer than you thought it would, you realize you’re not nearly fucked up enough to go through with this. By using any of these five handy excuses, you’ll get yourself out of that threesome that was honestly only thrilling in theory:
“I’m like, super tired.”
This probably isn’t even that far from the truth. What couple wants you to fall asleep during your threesome? They might as well just be having sex with each other. Tell them you have an early morning meeting, walk home, and fall asleep in the embrace of your body pillow like every girl mistakenly seeking a threesome should.
“I’m a virgin.”
No one wants this sort of responsibility. Especially not Mark and Andy, those hot gay newlyweds who probably don’t even really want to have sex with a woman, but thought “Hey, maybe this could be fun.” Talk about how vulnerable you’re feeling, how you’ve never actually touched a penis, nevermind two – you’ll be scot-free before you even make it to their front door.
“I don’t think my husband would like that I’m doing this.”
A threesome? Fun! A foursome? Now that just makes everybody think too hard about the moral implications, even for the hot French couple who are looking for a spicy night in the States. If you really want to send them running for the hills, mention your recent marital problems. They’ll get the idea.
“I have a really possessive cat.”
Like the husband, you don’t even really need to have a cat at all! Adrian and Becca might be that sexy lesbian couple you were always waiting to experiment with, but it’s okay if you sobered up and realized you’re not that gay. They will understand more than anyone that a possessive cat is not something to mess with and will definitely not come over.
“I’ve been evicted.”
Nobody wants to have a threesome with a homeless girl. Revealing that you don’t actually have a home anymore will make Steve and Karen realize that they’ve gone too far, and should actually just go home to their kids. Now you’re free to head inside and polish off the rest of that rice pudding in the fridge. You shouldn’t feel the need to do something that you’re no longer drunk enough to actually through with!
“I am crying.”
Tears: nature’s boner killer! You won’t have to say a word. Simply twist your mouth into a pained frown, stare at the wall, and start bawling. You don’t have to be Meryl Streep to pull this one off – chances are, you’ll already feel super violated. And no one likes a crying woman. When they ask if you’re okay, don’t be proud, Mary – let the tears keep on rollin’! You’ll be watching the end of that Netflix doc before your cheeks are dry.
