How to Free Yourself of Social Anxiety by Replacing It With the Anxiety of Urgently Having to Shit

Overcoming social anxiety can be a difficult and daunting endeavor. However, through a combination of regular exposure, practice, and endless patience, you can slowly improve your social inhibitions over time. Or, if that’s too much work, you can eliminate your social anxiety instantly by replacing it with the anxiety of desperately needing to shit. Here’s how:


Double down on your coffee consumption.

While, at first, guzzling coffee may seem counterintuitive to diminishing your anxiety, it actually serves the dual purpose of keeping your hands occupied while you chat with people, and subsequently getting you out of those same conversations once you inevitably experience an immediate and unrelenting need to dookie. Thus, you’ll only have to endure the anxiety of creating small talk for a short period of time before your anxieties are completely quelled by your overwhelming need to empty your bowels.



Participate in social situations with people you feel comfortable around.

New social situations can be scary – minimize that feeling by attending them with people you know. Then, erase that feeling completely by substituting it with the feeling of needing to shit, like, right now. By doing so, you’ll stop wondering, “Does everyone here think I’m weird?” and start wondering, “What if I shit my pants in the middle of The Cheesecake Factory?” Plus, by being with a few people you already feel comfortable around, you won’t feel too bad when you abandon them to foot the bill in your frenzied attempt to locate the restroom.


Choose an environment well-suited to your needs.

A public park, a crowded bar – the less accessible the bathroom, the better. That way, when your stomach starts to gurgle and you’re hit by the overpowering need to throw up out of your butt, you’ll have no choice but to forgo your social inhibitions in favor of finding and defiling the nearest restroom. Walking around a bookstore or a large supermarket is great for getting your bowels moving – plus, the constant movement will help to minimize your social anxieties until the time comes to scramble to find somewhere, anywhere to relieve yourself.


So, if you experience social anxiety, give these tips a shot – you’ll quickly find that social etiquette gets put on the back burner when you’re on the verge of pooping your pants. Just be careful not to take it too far and actually poop your pants, or else all of your efforts will be in vain, your social anxiety will actually get worse, and you’ll have literal shit in your pants.