You’re home. It’s late. The only thing in your pantry is canned chickpeas. Earlier your day was awash in corner stores, groceries, even vending machines — but you didn’t care. It’s understandable to feel frustration and resentment toward the naïve bitch who didn’t buy a little snack when she had the chance, but holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the person with whom you’re angry. Healing is hard, but it’s possible. Follow these steps to forgive the stupid idiot girl you were when you didn’t buy that snack.
Practice empathy.
When someone has deeply wronged you, it’s a noble practice to try and put yourself in their shoes. Think back to that girl who stood in a bodega buying hard seltzer and rolling papers but declined to nab a Snickers, a pint of ice cream, a bag of plantain chips. What’s it like to be in her fucked-up brain? Her whole worldview is genuinely inconceivable to you now. Has anyone in American history ever been so lacking in foresight? Probably not, but that careless bitch was you, and she deserves a second chance in this life.
Reparent your inner girl who didn’t buy a snack earlier.
Obviously, your parents failed you if you became the kind of grown woman who doesn’t grab a little snack for later when presented with the opportunity, but you don’t have time to rehash your whole childhood. As you reparent you-five-hours-ago, be stern but fair. Look in the mirror and say, “Do you understand what you’ve done? We have absolutely no snack to eat while we doze off to Nailed It.” Then offer constructive support. Say, “You really fucked us over, and you should feel embarrassed and horrible, but this is also a teaching moment. You will never fail to buy us a snack again.” She’s learning. You two might just work it out.
Go get a snack.
This should actually probably have been number one. Can’t you just go get something? God, you’re almost as bad as her.
So try these tips to foster sympathy and forgiveness for the myopic fool who didn’t get you a snack or even a tallboy Arizona iced tea. And if you really can’t do it, build a time machine and go back to the day you were born to do it all over. Maybe this time you’ll get into Brown!
