It’s important that our children know that we had lives before they came along. Just as it’s important to tell your kids that you were married before, or that they were adopted, it’s critical you tell your kids that their dad used to have cumgutters. Like, real, actual, deep indentions in his abs that pointed directly to his groin at all times. It’s a huge bomb to drop on your kids, but follow these tips and “the talk” won’t be so bad.
Be honest.
Your kids deserve your full transparency: Let them know who their father was when you met: a chiseled fuckboy with a body carved by Michelangelo himself. And that while you never planned to marry him, the proposition of a lifetime with those sweet, sweet dick lines was too tempting to pass up. That didn’t pan out so well for Mommy but you still love Daddy no matter what.
Use language they understand.
Speaking in terms beyond your child’s cognitive level will only further alienate him or her from their father’s once-washboard abs. Some kids will know it as a “Dick V;” others will simply know it as “Daddy’s belly.” Speak their language, but also introduce them to the formal vocabulary (“cumgutters”) so you’re all on the same page. If they’re still confused, try explaining to them that if daddy jerked off and came on himself, the cum would slide down the indentations like gutters! All children learn differently, so break it down for multiple learning styles and you’re sure to reach them!
Tell them why it’s important they know this.
Your kids deserve to know that the schlubby guy who spent all afternoon trying (and failing) to fix their bikes once had the body of a Greek fucking god. While it’s a lot of information to take on, they’d rather hear it from you than to grow up and see old photos of their dad’s cumgutters. Tell them just that.
Explain he’s still the same person, just without cumgutters.
More than anything, it’s key that your kids understand their dad’s still the same guy. And no, he hasn’t been to the gym since the kids were born, and yes, he still acts like a Hot Guy even though he’s really not anymore. But he’s still their dad, and that’s what’s most important.
Keep the door for conversation open.
Your kids are bound to have more questions about their one-jacked dad: Could you see his cumgutters through his shirt? Did you ever do a charcoal etching of them? Was he kind of a dick about being so hot? Though those questions likely won’t come until your kids are 9 or 10, it’s crucial you emphasize your desire to answer any and all future questions they have about their daddy’s cumgutters.
The most important thing to do is remind your kids how much you love them. Learning your dad was once a total smokeshow is a necessary life-changing learning experience for all children. As long as you are honest with them, they’ll make it through this stronger than ever.
