Life is a fickle bitch. One day you finally start dating a pretty great guy—okay, he still has some questions about vaccines and he doesn’t believe in evolution, but whatever—the next thing you know, your best friend Gina is also dating a really great guy who is way better at clam diving. And yeah, you’re sure that your dude will propose long before her dude takes his head out of her ham wallet long enough to buy a ring, but how do you deal in the meantime? All the girls are starting to wonder: Do you even get eaten out at all? Here’s how to deal when your friend’s plate is licked clean while yours is dry as a bone:
Go easy on yourself.
Firstly, it’s no one’s business but yours and God’s anyway how many times your boyfriend actually cunnilingles you. It’s not your fault that Steve’s last girlfriend had chronic yeast infections and now he’s gun-shy! But secondly, no one can really check up on it. So from now on, if Steve so much as glances at your edible arrangement, you can go ahead and put a W in the pussy eating column for yourself. Count it! Be the curator of your own sex narrative.
Brag about other things.
Girl, you have so many great things going on right now! You just got that cute little Fiat because you went to Italy one time in 2004 and now you correct people on how to pronounce bruschetta. That’s pretty cool! Also, you did laundry twice this month. Twice! Also you have a ton of money because you got in that taxi accident a few years back. Feel free to celebrate these small victories by slinging them straight into her face whenever she starts regaling your crew with her latest pussy-eating triumph. If she really won’t shut up about getting her muffin munched, go for the jugular and mention that you think her eyebrows are thinning and that you’re worried about how she’s dealing with the stress of her lame job. This will not only establish you as The Better Friend (because you care), but it will also prey on her insecurity that your eyebrows indeed have been Delevingne-ing it for ages.
Educate her boyfriend.
If you’re on good terms with her tip-jar-licking boyfriend, it’s never too late to educate him about the risks of going down on your partner. That’s right. While he’s down in Kingdom Cum, he could be exposing himself to HPV, which could increase the changes of him getting certain oral cancers. You’ll remember this from when Michael Douglas tried to throw Catherine Zeta Jones’ pussy under the bus for giving him throat cancer, and everyone jumped down his throat just like the HPV did. Well, Mikey, you aren’t actually wrong, as there is a slightly increased chance of getting cancer from eating out at the fish taco stand. Just let the man know the risks associated with spending so much time in her cave of wonder.
Finally get something out of feminism.
Feminism isn’t about comparing yourself to others, but it is about feeling empowered, and how can you go about feeling empowered if your main girl keeps humblebragging about how tired her lady bits are from all the loving they’ve received? You can’t. So tell her that you want to pass the Bechdel test in all of your future conversations. No more talking about boys or furthering their agendas. We know! That’s rough! What’s even left to talk about if not the men in your life and their wants and needs? Admittedly, almost nothing. Some topics might include: your pets (female only), the new hardwood floors you had installed, your opinions on granite countertops and if they’re actually so 2000s like Gretchen said, wine, how the Disney Princesses aren’t actually the feminist icons we were led to believe, and whether or not Bea Arthur is still alive.
Remember: Life is not a competition. It doesn’t matter who has the better boyfriend or job or Fiat. What’s important here is that you feel like your best friend is supportive of you and your emotional needs when it comes to comparative cunnilingus rates. Good luck! And have you considered flavored lube?
