How to Deal When All Your Friends Get Engaged While You Remain Lost at Sea

It can be hard when all your friends get engaged while you remain in the same position: single, and lost at sea because your cruise ship capsized many, many years ago. Getting older is hard! And as the lone survivor of the “Caribbean Princess”, there’s nothing more painful than knowing your friends have found true love on land without you. Here’s how to handle those feelings of jealousy when you’re alone in open waters and clinging to a piece of driftwood that used to be your bed.


Remember you’ve been lost at sea for years.

You’ve been lost at sea for years, so it’s only natural your friends should assume your death and get engaged without you. Rest assured, your time for a proposal will come eventually, if you ever are rescued. You just haven’t met the right man yet because you haven’t met anyone aside from a tiny sea turtle you call Germaine. You named him after your ex-boyfriend who has also likely assumed you’re dead and gotten engaged to a prettier woman whose whereabouts he can confirm. Jealous much? See the bigger picture of your situation—that you remain adrift on perilous waters—and embrace it for now.


Focus on your own survival first.

You can’t love someone until you love yourself, and you can’t love yourself unless you stay alive. So start focusing on yourself and your own survival! Make a new flag out of T-shirts, use your hands as paddles, try filtering salt water so you can drink it, give yourself a makeover with fish blood so seagulls will be attracted to you, and then trap and eat them for sustenance. All these desperate measures say what you really want from the world—to remain alive long enough for the Coast Guard to find you, and then one day to find love. Then you can finally show up your friend Rachel and her stupid, perfect diamond ring from Zales.


Shoot off a few congratulations flares.

You may have gone years without seeing another person, but you’re still a good friend. Shoot off a few congratulations flares for your newly engaged pals. Though you should save those glares for strategically signaling help, it’s more important not to look bitter right now. The moment you realize your friend from high school got a ten carat stone before you is the moment you need to put a smile on your sun-withered face and shoot off an emergency flare that says what you’re truly, deeply feeling: “I’m happy for you! And also please, save me from this nightmare before I give up all hope.” Putting on this celebratory show is the best way to prove you’re a good sport while also exhausting the last rescue tool you have left.



Let the sea take you.

Let the sea take you as a last resort. Maybe some people aren’t meant to get engaged, in which case there’s no point in returning to shore ever. Just allow the sea to open up its watery jaws and swallow you like the sad, single cruise ship-disaster survivor you are. It’s better this way.


Hold tight as you try these tips and remember, wedding season doesn’t last forever. Within a few years you’ll either have been rescued or died—but with the right attitude, either outcome should work!