How to Clean Your Room Even Though Nobody is Coming Over for Sex

We’re approaching nearly a year of social distancing, and for many of us, we’ve been celibate for just as long. While we’re all spending unprecedented amounts of time in our bedrooms, a dearth of intimate visitors has left us with less motivation to tidy that relied upon space than ever. So how will you ever find the motivation to ever clean your room again? Use these tips and tricks to clean your room, even though absolutely no one is coming over for sex.


Make a playlist

One tried-and-true way to get in the cleaning zone is to make a great playlist of your favorite jams to keep you going while you get to work. In fact, you can even recycle a preexisting sex playlist if you have one. Swiffering under your bed to D’Angelo is almost like coming with a partner, except that it isn’t at all. Still! This must be done, seriously, you’re breathing in a lot of dust in here.


Schedule a time

Even if you have all day, it can be too easy to put off a task that will probably end up taking less than an hour. To avoid the endless stream of time slipping away, schedule a specific time at which you will begin cleaning your room, then stick to it. Best not to schedule too far in advance, because the dread and anticipation will always be way worse than the cleaning itself. Try to emulate the hurried precision of how you might shave your bikini line 20 minutes before someone came over to plow you. Remember?


Do it for yourself

If some rando you’ve invited over for sex is good enough to clean your bedroom for, then why aren’t you? Can’t you just do it for yourself, because you deserve the pleasure and comfort of going to bed in a pristine and tidy room tonight? No? Alright, then—



Have someone over for sex

If absolutely all else fails, you might just have to have someone over for sex. Of course, you should probably meet them in a socially distanced setting first to establish that you’re attracted to each other and both taking covid precautions seriously, and that’s a lot more work than just fucking cleaning your room, but at this point, anything that will get you to wash that duvet cover is an option.


So use these methods to clean your room in the absence of the only thing that ever made you clean it before. This could be ground zero for the next viral pandemic if you don’t clean soon, so just think of it as foreplay, but for that.