How To Balance Doing Everything In this Goddamned House

Me Time for Mom:

Life as a mother and wife is a constant juggling act. Between a hectic work schedule, feeding the kids, and making sure your husband, Dan, is taking his prostate medication, it takes a special lady to keep all those goddamned plates spinning. We know how difficult your life can be, especially when you’re doing literally everything in this godforsaken home, with no thanks to show for it. Here’s how to balance all the things you do for your ungrateful little devils and useless sack of a husband:


Don’t Overcommit Yourself To This Shit

You will quickly become overwhelmed if you give yourself too much responsibility, developing bitter feelings toward the kids and Dan who somehow peed all over the toilet seat and the floor in the middle of the night without wiping it up. Be reasonable and only dedicate a few hours a day to housework, giving yourself a few blissful moments to focus on your thankless job and lazy, unappreciative family.


Stick To A Schedule, Cause I’ve Had It Up To Here

Plan out everything you have to do and stick to that schedule. Start with simple tasks such as cleaning up the vomit finger paint Josie left you on the walls of the nursery and mailing Thank You cards for the gifts Dan got at the surprise birthday party you threw him that he didn’t show up to. Then slowly work your way to more difficult tasks, like raking Jonas’s bonfire debris from the back yard or running a new, unscorched conduit for your ISDN phone line from the garage to the house. Marrying yourself to this schedule will make your life so much easier, unlike marrying Dan and his goddamned “historical” home.


Allocate Enough Time For Each Thankless Job You Do

Don’t be overzealous and think you can do complicated tasks like cleaning the rain gutters, or waxing Dan’s vintage motorcycle collection in 15 minutes. Be sure to give a reasonable amount of time to each task, like 10 minutes to take off all the dust covers, or 12 minutes to try to get your children to respond to the sound of your voice.



Make Sure Everyone Takes Their Shoes Off At The Door, Or So Help Me God

Be clear with everyone about your expectations for their behavior. Don’t set the bar too high with unreasonable requests such as, “Turn the light off when you leave the room” or “flush,” but do make it clear that if you are the one who is going to do put in the work around here, then you’re also going to be the one to set the rules, for Christ’s sake. If they don’t get their shoes off or hear anything you’re saying follow them around the house, picking up the hats and coats that fall from their body at their whim because what am I, a goddamned maid?


Take a Break From The House, Which Was A Goddamned Nightmare Idea to Begin With, Dan

If you feel like locating all the lost hamsters, bringing in the mail, and dusting what light fixtures haven’t been smashed by indoor ball play has pushed you past your breaking point, announce to the whole house that they can “see how this place runs without me” and go for a drive around the block. This will give you a break from wondering if any of them even love you and whether all your efforts are in vain.


Don’t think about the mountain of responsibility on your shoulders as a burden, but rather as an opportunity to show those around you how much you love them. Your job as a woman in this house isn’t just to do the simplest things that really any of you heartless monsters should be able to do, but to provide a warm smile that lifts everyone’s spirits as they ignore your plight. Follow these easy tips and you’ll no doubt be able to keep your head above water, just as long as you figure out how to turn off the water for this overflowing toilet!