I was shocked when my boyfriend of four years suddenly broke up with me, saying I was “too uptight” and “not open to new experiences.” And I was even more devastated when he immediately began dating Kylie, an Australian swimsuit model who seemed to share his sense of adventure. But after some serious self-reflection, I realized that my ex wasn’t totally wrong. I was closing myself off to new experiences, and I needed to make a change. That’s why I took some time off to look within myself, then meticulously stalk Kylie, kidnap her and assume her identity.
Honestly, I’ve never felt better!
I’ve always been someone who was afraid of spontaneity. I love order, schedules, and planning things way in advance. But after this heartbreak, I was ready to change my ways. So when I realized that Kylie goes to yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays at 6 PM, I knew I had to try it. At the end of each class, I’d make sure to take a few minutes just for myself, to truly find my zen and to also see which car in the parking lot was Kylie’s. She drives a red Volkswagen Beetle and likes to listen to Regina Spektor while driving home.
I also became more cognisant of what food I put in my body. All I did was look through Kylie’s trash and saw that her diet consisted mostly of organic, locally-sourced, vegan ingredients – oh, and that she likes to treat herself to a very expensive juice cleanse every month, according to her bank statements. Kylie always looks like she’s glowing, which is why I waited outside her house and then, when she got home later that night, I put her in my van!
Now that Kylie’s tied up in my basement, I finally feel like I can embrace spontaneity and become the free-spirited woman my ex always wanted. I even adopted a more care-free name – Kylie – and started going by it, socially and professionally. Not only did this complete my transformation, but it also made it a lot easier for me to use Kylie’s credit cards and health insurance.
It’s been a few months since my big lifestyle change, and I can honestly say I’ve truly transformed. It’s too bad that it took going through a breakup to finally discover the wild, risk-taking woman I am inside, but I’m glad I found her. Also I live in Kylie’s house now, wear her clothes and go to her job so I think my ex will be taking me back any day now!!!!!!
Who’s Kylie now, bitch?!
