Jessica is such a gracious hostess! She let you into her home, cooked you a beautiful meal, and even left her nightstand drawer unlocked so you could rifle through it. What a rare gem, that Jessica! Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her hospitality and also that you looked in that one drawer and now know her most shameful secret.
A Fun Apron
Nothing says, “Thank you for dinner!” and, “Edible undies, eh?” simultaneously like a nice apron. Now your hostess can stay stylishly stain-free the next time she whips up a gourmet meal for 10, or the next time she’s trying to get Doug to go down on her. She won’t be able to ask you directly if you saw the proof that her husband needs to be plied with candy to pleasure her, but she will always secretly suspect it, and that’s what’s important.
A Potted Plant
This is a classic gift for someone who offered their home up for a party or shower. The twist is that your hostess will now know that you know what she wrote in her journal about her dalliances with the gardener. She deserves it (the plant, the sex, and the uneasy feeling of being found out)!
A Yummy Candle
Karen might not get it right away when she opens the scented candle you got her. But trust, that flash of recognition will come, that narrowing of the eyes wherein she considers the candle’s girth and wonders if you found her extremely thick dildo when you were staying at her lake house last weekend. It’s also allergen-free!
A Barn Wood Picture Frame
Shabby-chic, right? Wrong. This sly hostess gift will lead your friend to suspect that you opened her bedside drawer to look for the remote and instead found a series of unsettling Polaroids from the late 80s. Who knew so many naked bodies could fit in one barn?
A Quirky Coffee Table Book
John let you stay at his apartment for several nights while you were in town, so giving him a fun book to keep on his coffee table is just good manners. Or is it? He’ll write you a thank you note for the gift, but he will also lose sleep for weeks wondering if you found his collection of dirty novellas.
Gourmet Soap and Lotion Set
This host gift may come wrapped in parchment paper, but it may as well have the label, “I know that you and your wife have a stack of stolen credit cards, upon which you have theft-fueled, kinky sex,” plus the optional subtext of, “So…um…do you guys like it?” You could write that on, but it’d probably be overkill.
Of course, the primary purpose of hostess gifts is to thank your friends for their generosity. And the secondary purpose is to ever so subtly hint that you are a big fat snoop and you always knew they were a little bit kinky. After all, friendship is all about secrets!
