The recent photographs of director Taiki Waititi, his girlfriend Rita Ora, and actress Tessa Thompson cuddling and kissing on a balcony in Australia have stoked a myriad of emotions in the heart of millions.
Awe. Fear. Adoration. Confusion. Something is different about this revelation, and we all feel it. Even with the recent rekindling of celebrity relationships like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, we’ve never seen the likes of something like this before. It’s too powerful. And now we’re all thinking it: Do these photos mean Jesus is about to return to Earth for our final reckoning? Will this sexy harbinger finally bring upon us the End Times for which we have waited for millennia?
What we’re seeing is so good, so otherworldly, that we need some kind of divine explanation. Not only have we been blessed with the sheer knowledge of the Taika-Rita-Tessa entanglement, we have photographic evidence of it. If that’s not an obvious blessing for a benevolent, omnipresent God, then I don’t know what is. According to the Book of Revelation, before Jesus’ return, the world will be at its absolute lowest point of no return. And like…hello? Look the hell around, people. Global pandemic. Wealth inequality. Kevin Spacey’s new movie. Tell me that this triumphant throuple isn’t a sign of divine intervention in a world that has lost itself. I simply can’t think of any other reason why these three would be boning.
In Revelation 21:4, it is written, “‘He [Taika Waititi] will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Do we not feel sanctified by these photos? Do we feel not only absolved of our sins but eager to participate in a world where the energy of a potential threesome is enough to sustain us all? Have not all of our worldly worries fallen to the wayside in the wake of seeing Rita kiss Tessa, then Taika kiss Rita, then Tessa kiss Taika?
But that’s not all. Luke 21:29-31:“Look at the fig tree, and all the trees. When they are already budding, you see and know for yourselves that summer is now near. So you also, when you see these things happening, know that the kingdom of God is near.” Is it not the end of spring? Does your nose not look like a glazed donut thanks to allergies caused by the ‘budding trees’? Why are we just learning of this right as summer is starting? Some will want to call it coincidence. But I know fate when I see it.
If this proves anything, it’s that Christians were right. This is the way. If you need me, I’ll be building my ark.
