Have you ever wondered how many calories you burn performing different activities? Like hiking, snowboarding, or pretending you’re a regular person with a totally chill brain? Wonder no further! Here is exactly how many calories you’ll burn trying to suppress every instinct you’ve ever had in an effort to appear like a normal human person that’s totally normal and not weird at all.
Walking Down the Street
Walking on its own only burns approximately 75 calories/mile. But walking down a street with people on it where you look up and make eye contact by accident, and then you’re thinking, “Oh my god that was so weird, is that person gonna think I’m insane?” – that burns nearly triple the calories. So trying to pretend your human body contains a plain ole brain that works right, that isn’t thrown into chaos by the most mundane social interactions, may be very difficult, but at least your body will reap some of the benefits. Exercise is okay, but nothing burns calories like attempting to be civilized like everyone else for like 20 minutes!
Unexpected Run In
If you think walking past strangers burns a lot of calories, you’re gonna love what happens when you run into someone you kind of know and are forced into an unexpected social interaction. Trying to remember their name before you have to say it out loud burns nearly 100 calories itself. Maintaining eye contact when your eyes want to run out of your skull and into the ocean adds another 200 on top of that. And then the moment where you have to decide whether this is gonna be a handshake or hug thing tops it off with an extra 150. Altogether that’s 450 calories you just used up trying not to act like a person who is normal and not dieing at the thought of talking to another person. Add a few extra if you had to do most of the talking without them noticing that you’re basically not even human most of the time!
Standing perfectly still through an entire party can burn upwards of 3,000 calories. How? Sure, dancing all night at a party will burn a few cals, but that’s nothing compared to standing around in a full-body panic hoping someone talks to you and then hating it so much if they do. You can work off almost a full meal just staring at someone bug-eyed, letting your bad bad brain yell at itself, until you realize that you’re staring and then look away so fast you nearly get whiplash. And if a friend pulls you over to introduce you to a new person, then the friend gets called away and you’re just talking to a stranger now, congratulations! You just burned tomorrow’s calories, too!
Remembering When You Were With People
Why take a 500-calorie jog for 5 miles when you can think-scream to yourself later that night trying to release all the pent up insanity and regret before it bursts through your skin. The more you replay in your head, over and over, all the times today where you thought, “I can’t believe I exist,” the more the calories will melt right off.
So now that you know exactly how many calories you burn trying to be normal, keep trying. You’ll never succeed and your brain may be wrong forever, but at least you could get some abs out of it!