Help! This Troll Will Not Let Me Cross the Bridge Until I Listen to His Podcast

Every week I have to cross the river to go to Trader Joe’s. But whenever I try to cross the bridge, a short little troll jumps out and refuses to let me pass! Even worse? He won’t let me cross until I listen to his podcast.


Help! Does anyone know how to tell a self-promoting troll podcaster that I have way too much on my “Up Next” list already?


When he first told me I needed to listen to his podcast, I couldn’t believe it. I thought he was going to ask for me to answer a riddle or make me name my firstborn child after him, but listen to his podcast? Absolutely not!


How can I nicely tell him that I would rather let him eat my firstborn than listen to five more seconds of him talking about how he wants to get into ayahuasca?



I figured he would have me listen to the intro, then let me go on my way, but that was not the case. The first 38 minutes are just “housekeeping”, stories that only make sense if you’ve listening to every episode of the podcast, and pleas to subscribe to his Patreon. The troll will not even think of letting you cross until you get into the interview. Does anyone know how to skip these rhyming, troll-speak Squarespace ads?


He even demanded that I sign up for “exclusive bonus content”, including a bridge Fast Pass for any bridge in the tri-village neighborhood. Has anyone tried this? Does it work?


The podcast itself is also very niche, to put it mildly. The troll has a variety of guests ranging from self-help gurus to disgraced neurosurgeons to pothead billionaires, and they talk for 3+ hours sometimes. I don’t know for sure, but I think some of his guests were at the January 6th riot.


Thankfully, last week the podcast episode lasted long enough for the sun to come back up, and he had to hurry his little troll butt back to his cave before the sun turned him into stone.


Does anyone know how I can better avoid him next time? Also, if you want to know more about my harrowing experience, please listen and subscribe to “Under the Little Red Hood,” produced by the Fairy Podmother Network on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.