It was a day like any other: I woke up with a slight headache and when I thought too much about any part of my body, it started to hurt. I pulled open my computer to quickly google my symptoms, and that’s when the unthinkable happened: WebMD told me to check if my hand is bigger than my face, and according to the site, if it is, I have a life-threatening condition.
Help! What do I do?!
I threw my laptop to the ground in a frenzy, screamed, and ran to my mirror, trying desperately to see if my hand was bigger than my face. But in a cruel twist of fate, every time I measured my hand against my face, I could no longer see the mirror. How God torments me so!
I threw the mirror to the ground and ran to my best friend’s apartment next door. I banged on the door and asked if she could please, please tell me if my hand was bigger than my face. I explained that it was an emergency, but every time I held my hand up to my nose, she hit it, thereby forcing me to smack my own face. Then she apologized, said she’d be serious, and did the same thing again.
The audacity to joke around at a time like this!
“This is no time for shenanigans, Christine!” I yelled. “WebMD says I might have a debilitating case of ‘the Stupids’!”
Christine told me to take a second and think about what a “case of the Stupids” might mean, but there was no time; I was dying, and I was dying fast. I could tell because my heart was beating really hard and my face hurt.
I threw Christine to the ground and ran downstairs to the street. I frantically asked pedestrians to tell me how the size of my hand compared to my face. One man chuckled, said my hand and face were the same size, but added that I might have contracted “Updog.”
“Nice try,” I replied with a scoff. “I won’t be falling for that, idiot. I was vaccinated against ‘Updog’ in 2016!”
He then mentioned an outbreak of Deez, which I did find concerning.
Reassured that my hand was the same size as my face, I returned to my apartment, re-hung my mirror, and settled into my chair to work for the day. Then I got a headache and googled what that could mean and according to WebMD, I have an occipital lobe brain tumor, which obviously isn’t a real thing. Nice try, pranksters!
