Slutty nurse, slutty schoolgirl, slutty nun: They’re popular Halloween costumes, but, holy shit, do they take a lot of fucking effort to pull off. How about something you don’t need to shave your legs for? Try these quick and easy options to remind everyone you don’t give a flying fuck about that appearance bullshit anymore.
Chef
All you need is an apron you probably already own, and voilà. You have a costume that doubles as a fucking bib. Just tie that shit over your hoodie and sweatpants and you’re done. Don’t feel like washing your hair? Fuck it. Pile that it on top of your head and cap it off with a chef’s hat. Voilà. You can even wear a pair of Crocs, because they’re a totally authentic detail, and they’re fucking COMFORTABLE.
Old-Fashioned Ghost
One sheet and two holes for eyes later, you’ve got a costume where nobody is going to see your ratty-ass granny panties. Just pull that shit over your hoodie and sweatpants and you’re done. And don’t even fucking think about slowing down your candy-eating: just cut a fucking mouth hole. But not too big, unless you’re willing to get a lip wax first.
Muscle Costume
So they don’t make that shit for women? Fuck it. Spiderman, Captain America. Whoever-the-fuck is in the next whatever-the-fuck movie. Just get a costume big enough to wear over your hoodie and sweatpants, and you’re done. And these come with a mask. Use it.
Housewife
Dressing up as a housewife goes against everything you stand for as a woman? Bullshit. Any woman who spends all day in a fucking bathrobe is doing something right. Just throw one over your hoodie and sweatpants and you’re done. And it’s another one you don’t need to fuck with your hair for. Just shower-cap that shit.
Old Lady
Three words: Adult. Fucking. Diaper.
Remember: With one of these costumes and a little creativity, you can take the pressure off of your cleavage and put it back on getting fucking shitfaced. Voilà.
