In an objectively humiliating confession last Tuesday, 25-year-old Sasha Wilder admitted that she thinks guys are way easier to be friends with than girls. However, reporters later discovered that the only “guys” Sasha hangs out with is the cardboard cutout of One Direction that she’s owned for nearly a decade.
“There’s just way less drama with guys,” Sasha told reporters. “Girls are so catty. My cardboard cutout of the 1D boys would never cause any unnecessary issues or accuse me of things that I may or may not have done. Oh, my behavior has been ‘hurtful’ and ‘petty’? Well, two-dimensional Harry and Louis haven’t said anything, so maybe you’re the problem, Jamie.”
Reporters found that the “Jamie” in question was, in fact, Sasha’s ex best friend and current roommate.
“She said I’m the problem?” Jamie asked reporters when they reached her for comment. “That has to be a joke. She literally stole my laptop from my room when I was out of town, then when I saw her using it, all she said was ‘Not every laptop is your laptop, Jamie.’ My laptop literally has a sticker of my face on it.”
When she learned of Jamie’s response, Sasha didn’t seem to be phased, or really paying attention at all. She simply replied, “Guys? They’re rough and tumble. Girls? They’re underhanded little vultures who tell me it’s ‘not cool’ to steal from their room when they’re away in Tampa for the weekend. The 1D guys don’t have any material possessions for me to nab so we’ve never run into this issue. Also, they’re just really, really chill.”
“Girl friendships are way harder to maintain,” she continued. “Girls always want to ‘talk about their feelings’ or for me to ‘return their laptop or they’re getting the police involved.’ It’s honestly exhausting. Cardboard Niall, Harry, Liam, Louie, and Zayn never feel the need to engage in lengthy discussions about their emotions. They just watch me play Minecraft on Jamie’s laptop or listen as I cry into my pillow in the wee hours of the night when I realize I’ve pushed everyone I’ve ever loved away.”
At press time, Jamie had filed charges against Sasha. This quickly changed Sasha’s tune about guys being easier to get along with than girls because, according to her, “the cops who talked to me were super mean,” and “it feels like the One Direction boys are giving me the cold shoulder in my time of need.” She wrapped up her revelation with the realization that “maybe guys are bitchy too.”
