Last Saturday, the life of NYC-native Chelsea Tucker was drastically changed forever after she ordered a whiskey neat.
After a two-year dating rut, Tucker made plans to go out with the girls to a sports bar in Midtown and “go wild”, claiming she wanted to “switch it up”. After her friends placed their orders of two vodka cranberries, a cider, and a gin and tonic, Tucker reportedly slid a twenty dollar bill across the bar and said: “Give me a whiskey. Neat.”
After a brief silence, a frenzy ensued. “There wasn’t a man in the bar who didn’t hear that order,” says 35-year-old Matthew Prouet. “I wanted to play a song, but, suddenly, the music was playing in my head. This was clearly a woman unlike all the rest.”
This seems to be a consensus among the male bystanders that night. Witnesses say that Tucker was a woman who could order a “real drink” and this was evidence that she could likely also “hang” and several utterances of “I must make her my bride.”
“A girl like that’s probably never even seen The Notebook, you know what I mean?” Prouet continues. “She’s perfect. I went into a blackout and when I came out of it I had bought a diamond ring, but it was too late.”
After Tucker ordered her drink, she was swarmed by a total of 27 suitors, a reported 14 of which declared their undying love for her, the other 13 asking for her hand in marriage. Sources say Tucker, who is known to often sigh and declare “always a bridesmaid…” when talking about her love life, was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support for her new drink of choice.
When asked to comment, Tucker declared, “I love whiskey. I just love, love the taste of whiskey, right guys?” she shouted to a crowd of attractive men who cheered in response. She shrugged happily as they showered her with diamond rings.
One source, who wishes to remain anonymous, claimed Tucker’s intentions may not be as pure as many believe. “I’ve known that bitch 25 years, she doesn’t even like whiskey,” our source says. “But she’s crafty and I respect that.”
After hours of deliberation and a series of physical and mental challenges, Chelsea Tucker accepted the marriage proposal of Daniel Bobkin. The two are to be married in the fall, “somewhere with lots of wood paneling,” according to the beaming groom-to-be. Tucker is very much looking forward to her wedding, a day where the two can publicly declare their love for each other and enter a binding contract after which she can just start drinking wine again.
