Ever since our founding, the Reductress editorial board has never before endorsed a candidate in an election. But this election is different.
For the first time ever, Reductress is endorsing cunts for president of the United States.
We have never been at such a threat of balls in the history of this great democracy. Many will say that balls are the norm, but at a certain point, balls have become dangerous to the American experiment. And unlike any election prior, this election’s balls are some of the saggiest, hairiest, smelliest sacks of flesh we’ve ever seen.
There comes a time where you can no longer ignore the bulging, nauseating truth: If elected, balls will destroy the very fabric of this nation.
On the contrary, cunts have earned, through years of pushing out baby cunts and balls and being thanklessly grabbed by dicks and balls and even butts, the right to represent the will of the people in this great seat of power. Cunts have proven time and time again that they have the experience, the work ethic, the shape and consistency to effectively run this nation.
Simply put: Cunts are objectively more qualified than any set of balls on the ballot in this election year.
We recognize that cunts aren’t perfect. They’re actually really close to perfect, but vary slightly based on the person and have a tendency to bleed. Of course, the world is such that cunts must bleed to survive, and we hesitate to cast stones when balls refuse to help us shoulder this burden or allow us to wield our cunt power at will.
It’s important for all of us to remember precisely what’s at stake in this election. If balls smother your face, you cannot breathe. That’s what’s really at stake here, and Reductress finds it to be a moral imperative to speak up despite a long history of abstaining from endorsements.
Before we were granted universal suffrage, Reductress spoke up saying we would “like to vote, please” but we did not publish this opinion, so much as we wrote it down onto a piece of paper, put it in a glass bottle, and sent it out onto the ocean before scurrying home because our husbands were hungry.
But now, in 2016, we see so many cunts before us, on the precipice of global disaster. Cunts will fight for cunts and cunts’ cunt friends. This isn’t a typical campaign of cunts versus balls. This is a case of excellent cunts vs. the most diseased balls you’ve ever seen in your life.
And when you talk to the people close to cunts, you find out that cunts are actually very warm, friendly, and great listeners. Investigation after investigation has shown these cunts to be squeaky clean, whereas balls have been very, very gross, even in the public forum. And now it is out in the open for all to see. These pasty balls don’t look good in the light.
These balls act from a place of fear that they will be attacked or, even worse, ignored, which the media has said time and again makes for subpar blowjobs. But Reductress recognizes that sometimes balls need to be ignored because they have already gotten too much fucking attention and also it doesn’t make a dick any better. It’s time to pay attention to cunts, as well as pussies, cooches, snatches, clams, and even pointy tits.
We endorse the cunts that will champion all these parts that make America the rich and diverse country that it is today. Yes, we see the pun there. And yes, we hope that you will go to the ballot box and vote for cunts.
Reductress has a new book, How to Win at Feminism, available for preorder now. Go to www.howtowinatfeminism.com to learn more.
